Rob Pattinson Is a Neurotic Mess

Congratulations, America! We have destroyed another teen icon. Vanity Fair's Nancy Jo Sales profiled Twilight panties-magnet Robert Pattinson, and the result is a neurotic portrait of a confused, fame-tortured agoraphobe. The opening salvo sets it up nicely:

Robert Pattinson doesn't like to fly anymore, because flying means airports, and airports mean encountering people who might go bananas when they see him, screaming and crying and trying to touch him and asking him to bite their necks.

Pattinson's interview reads like a diagnostics manual for mood disorders. We start with disassociation from the self:

I don't know what's wrong with me. My brain doesn't work anymore. I haven't any memory. I can't write. All I can do is sign my name. I tried to write the other day—it looked like I was writing in Braille. [writes something] See? It looks like spiders have written it.

Listlessness, loss of energy, and a monstrous appreciation for Two and a Half Men:

I've just kind of stopped doing everything. I never change the channel in my trailer. I just watch House of Payne and Two and a Half Men. I love Cops—I think it's my favorite TV show. God [laughs] I sound like such a loser.

Loss of identity:

Kristen is very focused on being an actress. I mean, that's what she is—she's an actress. Whereas I—I just don't really know.

Destructive, compulsive behavior:

I'm, like, a compulsive eater. I'm going to be so fat when I'm older, it's ridiculous. [tells story about eating 40-oz bag of Pretzel M&M's while reading book of David Foster Wallace essays] I had a complete breakdown and literally threw them down the toilet.

Feelings of persecution (admittedly justified):

I'll be walking down the street, and people'll be like, 'Fuck you!' And I get a lot of people wanting to beat me up. Men in bars and stuff. I just leave.

If I did that [acted in a Shakespeare play] now, I'd get assassinated. Everyone would be like, What the fuck?

Rob Pattinson Is a Neurotic MessS

But you're not really allowed to complain about any of this. You're just supposed to be grateful. And obviously—I get it. You're lucky and you should appreciate your luck. But, I mean, it just seems if you even hint that there's a bad side to any of this people will be like—Liar! I just it's because people want to have it as a dream.

Prefers animals to humans, cries at inappropriate times:

She [the elephant in "Water for Elephants"] was the best actor I ever worked with in my life. I cried when the elephant was wrapped. I never cried when anyone else was wrapped.

And that is how you turn a well-adjusted young adult into a quivering mess of a malformed, tear-soaked man: Turn him into a teen icon. [Vanity Fair via Celebitchy, Rob Pattinson Life]