Julian Assange: My Enemies Are All Jews and Sissies

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has—reportedly—told the British satirical and current affairs magazine Private Eye that there is a conspiracy of Jewish reporters out to get him, and that they're a bunch of little girls. He did this in response to charges that he associates with anti-Semites. Touche!

Private Eye, a British weekly that's a lot like Spy, has published a column from editor Ian Hislop recounting a phone conversation he had with Assange two weeks ago. Assange had called to complain about an anonymous Private Eye story criticizing Wikileaks' association with its Russia representative, a raving anti-Semite rather confusingly named Israel Shamir. Assange wanted Hislop to know that he'd barely met Shamir, and that Private Eye had been taken in by a cabal of reporters for the Guardian who hate Assange and who are "all Jewish." Wait, what?

[H]e went on to say that we were part of a conspiracy led by the Guardian which included journalist David Leigh, editor Alan Rusbridger and John Kampfner from Index on Censorship—all of whom "are Jewish."

I pointed out that Rusbridger is not actually Jewish, but Assange insisted that he was "sort of Jewish" because he was related to David Leigh (they are brothers-in-law). When I doubted whether his Jewish conspiracy would stand up against the facts, Assange suddenly conceded the point. "Forget the Jewish thing."

Forgotten, Julian.

The other thing about the Jewish and sort-of-Jewish people who are out to get Julian Assange is that they are homos, basically.

"The reporters on the Guardian disappointed me," he continued. "They failed my masculinity test." Er, what? "They behaved like gossiping schoolgirls," he said.

The way you pass Julian Assange's masculinity test is by spreading your seed hither and yon without condoms and leaving babies everywhere you go.

The Private Eye story isn't online, but you can find scans of the pages here. Caveats: It could be some arch prank. And Hislop acknowledges in the column that he didn't take notes or record Assange: "I thought the best thing to do was to publish as much as I could remember of our conversation."

[Photo via Getty]