Science Proves: Happy Kids Die Young

Child fever! Nicotine gum! Obesity docs! Baby times! Optimistic death! Lying teenagers! Running job! Women smoking! And menthol vindication! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a minimally acceptable level of competence!

  • Can you tell if your child has a fever just by looking at a thermometer? No, say doctors. Because you don't know how to read a thermometer. If you did, then yes.
  • In the past people have been told, "Don't chew nicotine gum more than 12 weeks!" And they were always like "Whoa, fine," because the person telling them that was really emphatic but also they were, I wouldn't say outright rude, but just the tone in their voice had a little bit of that "I'm the one who knows best and you're not" kind of attitude in it, you know? Anyhow, chew nicotine gum as long as you want.
  • Doctors—fearful of being consumed—are scared to tell patients that they're overweight.
  • Ladies, keep your baby inside you for 39 full weeks. I mean seriously! What do you even get out of not doing it? Just do it.
  • A landmark study of longevity finds that children who are "somewhat obsessive and not at all carefree" tend to live longer than children who are "extraordinarily cheerful and optimistic." The optimistic ones just keep on walking into those airplane propellers, thinking this is the time they'll make it through.
  • Why do teenagers lie? I don't know, but fuck them.
  • For some people running isn't just a pastime—it's a full time job. What a shitty job.
  • The status of women is rising around the world. And you know what comes with that? More smoking! Shoulda left the high status to the men who can handle it, ladies COUGHCOUGHCOUGH.
  • A government advisory panel says there's a "lack of evidence" showing that menthol cigarettes are worse for you than regular cigarettes. Ladies?

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