Channing Tatum Will Never Grow Up

Not if he gets his way in his next movie he won't. Also today: pilot casting including roles for an old WB favorite and a new CW regular, Tom Hanks and Tim Allen hop aboard the lucrative theme park ride adaptation movie racket, and Christina Aguilera gets her sentence.

  • Cognizant pork tower Channing Tatum and a team of producers have begun pitching a mysterious movie idea all over Tinseltown. Alls we know right now is that it is called Pan and it would star Jess Pressler's best friend, Mr. Tatum. Hm. Channing Tatum as the perpetual kid? What, did Peter decide to grow up a little and discover sex and then decide that he didn't want to grow up any more, he'll just stay at his sexual peak thank you very much, and went back to Neverland to bed hot Indian squaws forever? That'd be an interesting, albeit extremely disturbing, movie! Actually, it's apparently some kind of origin story. So, hm. No matter what the actual plot, the idea of sinewy pot roast Channing Tatum playing a part once played by Mary Martin is somewhat distressing. And don't say "Well, Robin Williams doesn't look anything like Mary Martin and he played it," because any true movie historian would know that Mary Martin was very hairy. [THR]
  • OK, let's do pilot news again, hm? Popular star Leslie Bibb has signed on, after Christina Applegate turned it down, to star in ABC's risquely titled pilot Good Christian Bitches, about a jilted woman who returns home to Texas only to find herself the subject of neighborhood church wife gossip. Sarah Palin will play all the other parts. And the wonderful Jennifer Ehle, the one true Lizzy Bennett, has been tapped to star alongside Patrick Wilson in that CBS show about a doctor whose wife dies and comes back as a ghost. Ehle will be the ghost. [Deadline]
  • World's most exciting actress Katie Cassidy has climbed aboard the pilot Georgetown, about the sexy goings on of sexy going on-ers in DC. That project stars Jimmy Wolk, the would-be king who starred on Fox's promising but canceled Lone Star this past fall. Good to see he's got such a dynamic new scene partner. Meanwhile, Don Draper's old Bowdoin ladyfriend, Abigail Spencer, has signed on to star in a pilot called Grace about Eric Roberts being a choreographer. Haha. Yesss. You choreograph away, Eric Roberts. [Deadline]
  • On the big screen, Tom Hanks and Tim Allen, the thinking man's family man and the grunting man's family man, have agreed to star with each other in Jungle Cruise, based on, yup, you guessed it, the ride at Disney. Tom Hanks would play a, well, "family man," and Allen the tour boat captain, who, I'd assume, is gruff and sloppy but lovable. It will be an adventure film. Aha. Let's see, what rides are even left after this? Splash Mountain? Starring The "Dwayne Johnson" Rock and Elizabeth Banks as waterfall scientists? Oh, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad! Westerns are back, after all. So you've got Chris Hemsworth as a young outlaw with a heart of gold, pursued by grizzled marshal Dennis Quaid, stuck on a runaway train with love interest Leighton Meester. It could be done. It really could. Tell ya what? I'm not that fussed about Jungle Cruise. An adventure movie set in the jungle starring Tom Hanks actually sounds kind of fun. And who didn't like that ride when they were kids? Nobody. Everyone loved it. (Unless you didn't get to go to Disney when you were a kid, and then I feel bad for you and you should spend the rest of the day crying and maybe eventually your tears will create a rip in space-time that you can crawl through all the way back to your childhood and you can do it right this time.) [THR]
  • Hot off the heels of her latest success, getting arrested, Christina Aguilera has been sentenced to serve hard time as a judge on NBC's The Voice, that singing show that's already got Adam Levin and Cee Lo lined up. The poor thing. But, y'know, we live in a society of laws, and if they are broken, punishment must be handed down. Otherwise it would be anarchy. So just know that Christina Aguilera becoming a judge on NBC Presents: Not Idol is keeping us in the light, safe from the dark of chaos. [Variety]
  • In an effort to better compete with Netflix, HBO is adding 1,400 titles to its HBO Go service. Basically it lets you watch HBO shows and movies on stuff on your computer, so long as you're a paying subscriber and your cable company is part of the deal. (I.E. Time Warner is not yet, so don't even try it.) The idea is that this way they won't lose subscribers to Netflixers, but there is one fatal flaw. People are still paying for HBO! With Netflix they can just order the HBO shows and get them and watch them, without paying the extra fee. It's a problem! But sure, Go ahead, HBO. [THR]
  • DreamWorks has acquired two books about Wikileaks and its strange founder Julian Assange. Meaning a movie could very well be on the way! The obvious choice to play Assange would be Julian Sands, who wouldn't have any trouble learning his character's name, clearly. If Sands is busy or uninterested, I think the next best choice to play Julian Assange would be a string of feathers dipped in vinegar. [The Wrap]

[Photo via Getty]