Now We Need Pacemakers for Our Tummies

Sleep losers! Stomach pacemakers! Pork sloganeers! Cadmium poisoners! Cancer fallers! Food fighters! Proton inhibitors! Mite worriers! And puppy survivors! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with little to no equilibrium!

  • Somewhere between 50 and 70 million Americans suffer from "chronic sleep loss." Well wowee, aren't they special, where did I put the sheet of gold stars? Come on.
  • Oh god, now there's a "stomach pacemaker" that zaps your stomach to help you lose weight. What next, we need an expensive electronic "pacemaker" just to keep our hearts beating? How lazy are we?
  • Pork has officially retired the slogan "The Other White Meat." From now on, it's "The Only Meat With Pig Shit."
  • Have you been giving your kids cadmium jewelry? Let's be honest, you're a bad parent.
  • Be careful if you ever got chemotherapy to save you from breast cancer, because you could be at higher risk for—wait for it—falls. Yea, I know. Like a cancer survivor is going to care about some falls. They're like "Hey, I just survived cancer." It's like, big woop, fall away, knock yourself out, literally!
  • Celeb chef Jamie Oliver is in a "food fight"—against fattening food! What about the fight against leukemia, Jamie Oliver? Not a word about it? You monster.
  • Says here that proton pump inhibitors are getting new warnings about lowering people's magnesium levels but I don't really know too much about it.
  • Should you be worried about dust mites? Well, what would you get out worrying about them? Will that change the situation, or just add to your own stress? Why don't you try only concerning yourself with the things that you can control, and leaving the rest alone? It's a big world out there and we're all just playing our own tiny parts. What we can do is to strive to be the best people we can be, every day, and beyond that, leave it in the hands of fate. Worrying about this and that won't really help anyone at all, will it? Life is a journey—let's enjoy the ride, shall we?
  • "Puppy who wouldn't die inspires thousands." Fuck that.

[Photo via Shutterstock.com]