A hearty "Happy Anniversary—With Cream!" is in order for caffeine-'n-branding purveyor Starbucks, which is celebrating 40 years of not going out of business. On this blessed occasion, allow us to reflect on Starbucks' legacy of woe.
10. The fundamental con of selling "coffee as an important lifestyle signifiier." Rather than "coffee as a drug."
9. And the concomitant reaction of every fast food joint in the world to jump on the fancified coffee beverage trend. Every American in the next 40 years who dies of cancer due to overconsumption of McDonald's "frappes" can ultimately blame Starbucks.
8. Porn-browsing laptop hobos.
7. The guarantee that any moderately successful independent coffee shop will be branded "the new Starbucks," and subsequently shunned.
6. The insufferability of anti-Starbucks extremists.
5. The insufferability of pro-Starbucks extremists.
4. Still no god damn lemons.
3. All the scaldings.
2. The amount of time we've wasted talking about Starbucks.
1. The inspiration of countless jokes about how I just want a regular coffee, not a Frappuwhatsis or Espressachino or whatever they call those things, and it's just so difficult to order a dang regular coffee, times sure have changed since we were kids, right? This trend, sadly, will never abate as long as Jay Leno is allowed to live.