Vicious Beatings Are the Only Weight Loss Plan That Really Works

Hormone diets! Slow eating! Teen dying! Teen drinking! Greek eating! Urethra growing! Big loser-ing! Cartoon food! And incompetent old people driving around dangerously! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—unconventionally!

  • Ladies everywhere are paying $1,000 a month to get daily injections of the hormone HCG, to go with their 500-calorie-a-day crash diets. The funny part is it doesn't even work! Ladies, for $1,000 a month I will personally physically force you to exercise until you get in good shape. You can eat whatever you want. Just sign the proper waivers, and tell me where to meet you to pick up the money. Stay away from crazy weight loss schemes!
  • Eating your meals more slowly will not help you curb the urge for snacking. If you want to lose weight, better just pay me that money.
  • A Colorado teen has died playing rugby, just days after another teen died after playing in a basketball game. Should teens stop playing around?
  • Do you think that it's good to give teenagers a few drinks at home, so they learn how to drink responsibly? Yes, you do, because you're a teenager dressed up in his dad's suit, at the liquor store, wearing a fake mustache, and your fake ID is so fake.
  • Why eat like a Greek? I guess the main reason would be that you're in Greece and it's either that or starving.
  • Now they can grow you a new urethra in a lab. Sweet.
  • The newest trainer on the Biggest Loser is a former Golden Gloves fighter from Queens, and she will beat you down with her fists just to make you lose weight (I assume). My own method is not quite so hard. Try me, why not? Only $1,000 a month.
  • A new study says that kids prefer the taste of food that comes in a cartoon-festooned package. Well, kids also prefer the taste of lollipops made of heroin. Does that make it "right?" This isn't a philosophy column, so we'll just say "maybe, if that's the culture."
  • Big shocker, old people are horribly dangerous drivers. It would have been funny if just when I was writing that, I was struck by an old person driving a car. And I was.

[Photo: Claudio Gennari/Flickr]