Remember when all those birds died in Arkansas and you were pretty sure the world was ending so you wrote that kinda creepy letter to your high school boyfriend? And then the world didn't end, and you were like, crap. Well, looks like the apocalypse is back on! Millions of dead fish just popped up (literally) in Redondo Beach, Calfornia:
Scientists are working to determine what caused oxygen levels to drop so steeply that fish estimated to be in the millions suffocated and deposited a silver sheen of carcasses, many of them sardines, among the rows of docked boats. It may be days before the precise cause is known.
They should check around for, oh, we don't know, a lady with "MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH" written on her forehead? She's probably holding a big gold cup! And she might know something about this:
Scientists believe such dead zones will increase as ocean waters continue a warming trend in a changing climate. Warmer waters prompt faster biological growth, just like molds and bacteria will more quickly devour food left out of the refrigerator.
Yes, well, we'll miss fish, but the swimming should be great! (Except for the fact that the oceans will be filled with "algae, bacteria and jellyfish.") Thanks again, global warming!