Glee: Gwyneth Paltrow Is a Skank

The GOOP mistress herself, Gwyneth Paltrow, returned to reprise her role as substitute teacher Holly Holiday and she taught everyone about how to get dirty. Gwynnie isn't my idea of a sexy, but this was another successful appearance.

Turns out that the normal sex ed teacher was out dealing with a severe case of "the herp" so we needed our dear Ms Holiday to show up and teach the woefully undereducated children of Lima, Ohio, how to put a condom on a cucumber, which made Mercedes think she could get AIDS from a salad. How can these kids, in the age of the internet and complete porn saturation, not know about sex? God knows if there was Google when I was 13 I would have Googled "sex" every single day until I had worked my way through all 1,240,000,000 results. After Brittany has a pregnancy scare because a stork moved in next door, Will says, "Let's forget about Regionals and learn about sex."

No, Mr. Schue, let's not forget about Regionals. While the episodes have gotten a bit better about connecting one story to the next and having some continuity, there is still no overarching theme or drive to this whole season. It's all just a bunch of themed episodes—religion, Bieber, Super Bowl—with some loose semblance of having the same characters week after week. And considering the last episode was about the dangers of alcohol and this one is about sex education, the show is quickly becoming like a bad public school health class curriculum. What is next week's episode going to tackle? Steroids? Eating disorders? Unless they get Helen Hunt to hurl herself out of a second floor window on PCP, I'm not interested in this After School Special bullshit.

Anyway, Mr. Schue's job is to make sure these kids rehearse and win the damn competition, not to make sure the know how to bone and how to protect themselves when they do. He has no business talking to them about sex. Coach a damn Glee club already, Mr. Schue. But no, he calls in Holly to teach them about sex.

Oh, girl, do I love me a Joan Jett. She's one of those artists that you never really think about as being awesome until you hear one of her songs and then you're like, "Man, Joan Jett rocks!" and then you go home and search her on ye olde iTunes and realize she has like 10 songs that you totally love. And we're sure Brittany and Santana are fans, if-you-know-what-I'm-sayin. While Holly said that she was going to do something subtle, from what little we know about the sex-positive sub, we knew she was lying. This was excessive in just the right way. But instead of educating the kids, it just really got them all sexually agitated.

Quinn and Rachel, the only two remaining members of the Celibacy Club, took offense to the message. They, and their leader Emma, believe that chastity is a viable option. And, yes, we guess it is, but I do agree with St. Gwynnie, protector of the sluts, that it is a boring position, she should probably be a little more respectful of their decision.

Speaking of loose ladies, Santana approached Brittany about having some cuddle time together and got shot down because Brittany is with Artie now, this makes Santana sad and Brittany confused. But considering Brittany gets confused by breakfast, we understand her confusion.

Sue Motherfucking Sylvester discovers that New Directions is learning about "sexy" so she takes that information to Babygay Kurt and the Warblers and tells them the need to step up their game. Blaine decides Sue is right and gets the boys to try something dirty.

OK, I have no clue what's going on here. Where did these kids find an abandoned warehouse with a set of risers in it? Are they about to have some Prep School Fight Club or something? And then it turns into a foam party. This isn't a Fight Club, it's an Underground Rave Scene Circa 1998 party. Oh, now we get it! The Neon Trees' "Animal" isn't the worst song for them to sing, but if they're trying to enlist the services of some nubile teenage ladies and drive them to irrational screaming, shouldn't they have used a Justin Bieber song? Oh wait, they nonsensically burned through all of those two episodes ago. Never mind.

What we do learn is that Babygay Kurt has a hard time being sexy, because he's totally confused about hot man-on-man action. Blaine offers to try to help him on being sexy on stage, but it just doesn't work for Kurt. And how insensitive of Blaine. He knows that Kurt has major wood for him, but he sits so close to him and talks to him about being sexy and doesn't think that is going to cause a severe swelling in Kurt's polyester uniform pants? Kurt explains that he's a romantic, and talk about sex just skeevs him out and he barely even knows how it's done.

This leads Blaine to go to Kurt's dad's garage and tell his father that he better talk to Kurt about sex or else. Then Blaine pulled out a tire iron and beat Burt over the head with it. No, he didn't, but that was the subtlety of his message. But we're going to give the show points, because this is a natural continuation of the conversation the Kurt and Burt had about Burt needing to learn about gay sex to talk to Kurt about it last episode. We have to reward when the writers think about the future past the next musical number.

Will knows plenty about sex and he wants to teach his kids about it through song (jazz hands)! He asks Holly to come in to run through some choreography with him.

There really is little bad to say about this whole number. Not only is "Kiss" one of Prince's many classics, but the dancing was great, turning it into a tango was inventive, and everyone acquitted themselves nicely. Neither Will nor Holly's falsetto is quite up to par with Prince's, but we're going to forgive them for an otherwise engaging enterprise.

Of course at the end of the number, Will and Holly kiss, but she shuts him down, saying that she has too much experience with sex and he has too little. She's not trying to get involved and she knows that if she does the dirty with Will that it's going to create all sorts of issues for him. It's a very mature attitude to take, remaining chaste to spare everyone some heartache. This is what they should really be teaching the kids.

That's sort of the message that Holly gives to Santana and Brittany when they approach her about their relationship. Brittany says she's learned that sex is better if you care about someone, but she doesn't know how Santana feels because she won't talk about it. She doesn't want to put any labels on their relationship because she doesn't want to be trapped by them. Holly says that if they can't talk about it, maybe they should sing (jazz hands) about it. Santana says she has the perfect song.

Let's get one thing straight, you do not fuck with "Landslide." This is Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac at their best and if you're going to attempt a cover version of the song, it better be fucking stellar. Just ask the Smashing Pumpkins, who do a wonderful rendition. When I first watched this, I was pissed. I didn't like the country twanginess, I thought it was totally wrong for the situation, and it totally ruined the moment for me.

Then I watched it again. The twang didn't grow on me, but the beautiful three-part harmonies did, and the meaning really kicked in as well. It's a song about exploring how one feels and how their relationship to love and their emotionss change as they age and mature. That's just what Santana is going through, so it's fitting she chose this to serenade Brittany.

This of course leads to the best scene of the whole hour when Santana finally opens up to Brittany in the hallway. Apparently the reason Santana is such a bitch is because she has all these feelings for Brittany and doesn't know what to do with them. She doesn't want her life to change, people to call her a lesbian, or go to an Indigo Girls concert, but she wants to be with the person she loves. This is such a nuanced discussion of what it's like to be queer and confused in high school, I really applaud the writers for doing it. Santana doesn't come out, per se, she just says she loves Brittany and wants to be with her, even if it would cause complications. Brittany says she loves Santana too, but she loves Artie and she can't dump him for Santana. So, yes, they are officially queer, but it seems more like they're in love with each other rather than full tilt boogie lesbians. It appears they're just taking after their role model Lindsay Lohan.

It seems Santana is more into it than Brittany is, ironically. I love how she tells Brittany to dump Artie because "he's just a stupid boy." That's exactly how Santana feels. Messing around with boys is just something she does because she's supposed to, but it's a lady that she really loves. Still, Santana was pissed when the conversation ended, and you know that an angry Santana is more dangerous than an overheated meth lab.

Speaking of big gay discussions, Burt sits down Babygay Kurt for the big sex talk. He still can't talk about which poles go into which holes, but at least he brought some pamphlets (hopefully with sexy pictures) for BG Kurt to look at. More importantly, he talks to him about the emotional toll of sex, especially for gay dudes. Burt maybe as straight as a copy of Maxim at a Beer Pong tournament, but he knows how guys work and he knows they aren't always having sex for the emotional connection. He warns Kurt against it, telling him that it may be fun, but it really takes a toll on you emotionally and what you think is just good dirty fun ends up being a lot more hurtful than you imagined. We wish every gay kid got this lecture from his dad before going to Campus Thursday and setting up a Manhunt account. Between this and the Santana scene, is there any show that does gay better?

Burt isn't telling Kurt not to have sex, just to think long and hard about it before he does it. The Chastity Club, which is growing in numbers by the second, thinks that everyone should keep their legs crossed and they want to tell them to do just that, in song (jazz hands)!

Just like I don't believe that kids in the age of the internet don't know everything there is to know about sex, I refuse to believe that even someone as sex negative as Emma doesn't know that Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delight," is about sex. I mean, it's right there in the lyrics she's singing. But that's the disbelief we have to suspend in order to make this gag work.

So, apparently Emma and John Stamos, even though they are married, still haven't done the deed. I mean, really? Not only could he get a divorce, he could get an annulment! Emma really is the president of the chastity club! When she meets with Holly and hubby to discuss her problem, Holly breaks it down and asks if it's because she's still in love with Will. She all but says yes. John Stamos goes storming out and Emma just sits there. No, Emma. Go after John Stamos. That man has serious body. He is, as Richard Lawson likes to say, scramp!

Knowing that Emma is still into Will, and that Will has plenty of issues of his own, Holly does something really cruel. She goes to Will and says, "You know, maybe it's time I hang up my hooker heels and get serious with a man. What do you say?" Will, of course leaps at the chance. After all, this is Gwyneth Paltrow! Where is this going to go, I wonder? Nowhere good, but that's going to make for some good TV.

And the more I see of Holly, the more I like her. She's kind of slyly mean and devious in her own way and if there is one thing we like more than a bitch, it's a slutty bitch. All in all, another good job by the GOOPster. Now, what I really want is a Holly Holiday and April Rhodes girl fight!

Speaking of afternoon delight and bad news, it appears Finn and Quinn are hooking up after school again. Uh oh, things are about to get messy. And now that the show remembers that storylines have to go from one episode to the next, we're in a good place for Regionals next week.