Gwyneth Paltrow signed a $900K record deal yesterday. Exciting, right? You've been praying for her to cut an album ever since you saw her in Duets. And she's back on Glee! All of your dreams are coming true!
Yes, our Lady of Goop has stepped back into the role of Holly Holliday, McKinley High's favorite substitute teacher with a penchant for song. This time, she's filling in for the school's health and wellness teacher, meaning that she'll be teaching the kids about the primal act of sexy sex (textbook terminology). Her philosophy on sex ed is pretty much that teens will find themselves fucking no matter what you tell them, so it's best you explain how to do it safely ("because everyone has a random") and send them on their merry fucking way.
It turns out the gleeks are seriously undereducated when it comes to sex- Brittany thinks she's pregnant after a bird starts building a nest outside her window and Finn thinks that cucumbers can give you AIDS- so Holly and Will Schuster team up to teach them the facts through song (because music has never once misrepresented sexuality). To kick things off, Holly serenades New Directions with Joan Jett's "Do You Want to Touch Me There," which… yikes. Capturing Joan Jett's sex appeal is a difficult task even for the sexier among us and Gwyneth, though she is a very pretty lady, is not up to the task. Remember, way back in the first season, when they talked about distracting people from your weak performance with the art of hairography? Well, ladies and gentlemen, all of the hair flips in the world could not distract us from the sad sight of a leather clad Paltrow writhing around in front of a group of teenagers.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter whether or not we're into Holly's barking Joan Jett impersonation because Will totally is. Crafty Gwyneth has managed to penetrate through his deep V t-shirt and button-fly jeans (the only kind of jeans he owns) to warm his heart and loins for the first time in a long time (long time=one episode ago).
To seduce her, Will asks for her help in arranging a tango version of Prince's "Kiss" "for the kids." (Please go to jail, Will.) Again, the number is terrible. You should never try to out-sexy Prince, especially, ESPECIALLY, if you're Will Schuster and possess the sex appeal of an old mop. Holly, however, is completely turned on by his falsetto singing and the two end up feeling each other up in an empty classroom (empty except for the entire band who is just standing there watching). Despite their sexual attraction, Holly says that they can't move forward. Will is a relationship guy and Holly, well, she don't like meat, but she sure like the bone (how come they didn't perform that song?).
Will is still hopeful that he can get somewhere with her, much to the chagrin of Emma, who, after 4 months of marriage to Uncle Jesse, has yet to punch her V card. As acting advisor to the celibacy club, she feels that it is the duty of educators to protect students (read herself) from the sensitive subject of sex. After hearing about Holly's effect on the glee club (Puck and Lauren try to make a sex tape to make Lauren famous like a Kardashian), she decides to make a pro-celibacy counter argument by performing "Afternoon Delight" by the Starland Vocal Band.
After his wife unwittingly performs a song about the joys of mid-day doing it, Uncle Jesse decides to take things into his own hands and books them an appointment with Holly (‘cause school subs always be havin' office hours) to talk about their dysfunctional/non-existent sex life. During the meeting, Holly asks Emma point blank if she is still in love with Will. She is unable to answer, which causes both Uncle Jesse to move out of their condo and Holly to realize that she does indeed want a relationship with muppet-face Schue. Of course, this is all a preamble for Will and Emma to get back together so that he can be the one to deflower her real gentle-like and I can be the one to vomit myself to death while watching a TV show.
You know who's not getting together? Blaine and Kurt. At least not while Kurt is still so willingly naïve to the intricacies of gay sex and the art of sex appeal. Blaine tries to talk to him about it, but Kurt won't listen and asks him to leave.
Frankly, I'm not so sure that Blaine is an expert on identifying what's sexy anyway. The Warblers, in an attempt to up their own sex appeal, decide to perform Neon Trees' "Animal" to a group of schoolgirls in an abandoned warehouse (the sexiest, least rape-y of settings, naturally). As the group's leader, it's mainly Blaine's job to win them over, which he does by mentioning their bobby socks, tossing around beach balls and wrestling with Kurt in a sea of foam. The girls like it, but that's more a result of shoddy script writing then it is of a good performance. Both "Teenage Dream" and "When I Get You Alone" did a better job of convincing us of Blaine's hotness than this overwhelmingly auto-tuned version of "Animal" did, though, ultimately, it was worth it to see what Kurt thinks constitutes as sexy (mainly teeth gnashing and high kicks).
Eventually, Burt, Kurt's dad, sits down with Kurt and talks with him about sex. Even though this is exactly what he asked his father to do in the last episode, Kurt is extremely uncomfortable. Despite this inconsistency, the talk (like all talks between Burt and Kurt) is quite touching. Burt is open minded and sensitive to Kurt's feelings, telling him to enjoy himself, but not to throw himself around like he doesn't matter.
Unlike Kurt, Santana is very familiar with the nuances of gay sex. She and Brittany are still fooling around even though they both have boyfriends. Though she'd like to pretend that it's all about the thrill of a good scissor session (her term, not mine), it's becoming harder and harder to divorce herself from her real feelings about Brittany.
With the help of Holly, Santana finally finds the courage to express her love of Brittany through the song "Landslide" by Stevie Nicks. Her rendition with Gwyneth is actually really pretty (they should let Santana sing more) and heartbreaking despite the girls' weird pseudo-lesbian outfits (Santana is wearing a peasant blouse and clogs, while Brittany is wearing a denim vest). Later, Santana admits that she is in love with Brittany full stop and wants to be with her. Brittany says that she loves her back, but doesn't want to break up with Artie because it wouldn't be fair to him (but secretly being in love with someone else is? Or maybe she loves them both? Oy! These kids). Brittany's rejection breaks Santana's heart (and the scene is legitimately sad!).
Still, we shouldn't let it get us down too much. Soon we'll be able to preorder the Gwyneth Paltrow's album on iTunes and nothing will ever be bad again. Thanks for saving us from our feelings, Gwyneth!