Cancer Makes Lupus Look Like Such a Wuss

Mental game! Lupus drug! Elderly tech! Menopause needles! Cancer survivors! Cigarette sales! Tainted beef! Premature drugs! And the total crumbling of American healthcare! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—laughing, but really crying!

  • How much of the game is mental? How about 110%? What am I talking about? That's why you'll never be a champion.
  • There's a new lupus drug that offers a ray of hope to long-suffering lupus patients. I know it's real, but if someone told you they had lupus, wouldn't you not believe them? It seems very unlikely.
  • New research says that old folks like to call on their kids to explain computers and stuff like that to them. If you're interested, old folks, the research is on the computer website, if you type it all into the little box and hit 'Send.'
  • If you're having hot flashes due to, let's just say, "menopause time," why not stick a bunch of needles in yourself? Whether they're full of heroin or not, they just might help.
  • Would you believe that nearly 1 in 20 Americans is a cancer survivor? Now that's a real disease. More than you can say for "lupus."
  • The UK is going to ban the display of cigarettes in stores, and require that they be sold in plain, unbranded packaging. Hey geniuses: that's going to be terrible for sales! Think!!!!!!!!
  • Is that a hamburger you have there? I'm just asking because it probably has E. coli. Oh, did you bit that already? Oh. Forget it.
  • Great, good, perfect, there's some drug that helps ladies not have premature births. PROBLEM THE FIRST: It's so god damn expensive. I guess you should have thought about that when you were necking with the lad in the hayloft, strumpets!
  • Two thirds of American states have cut their mental healthcare budgets in the past two years. If I could think of a funny joke about that fact, that would be awesome.

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