Jersey Shore: The Dog Days of Summer

As the season wears on in Seaside Heights, the eight subjects in what is and forever shall be the most important sociological experiment of our time grow listless. Their behavior becomes simultaneously erratic and monotonous. Then the same torturous storyline comes along again to fill up the tedium.

Last night was punctuated with small moments of guido brilliance, but it didn't add up to anything special or revelatory. There was the Great Water Balloon War of 2011, which is best not to bring up again in case we activate the guido's PTSD from the trench warfare. Vinny and DJ Paulie Discovery traveled to Staten Island and learned that it is, in fact, an actual Island. The Situation gave Snooki a facial because, we learned, he is obsessed with the care and treatment of his complexion. We always knew he was obsessed with his own face, but this is a whole new level. And watching Snooki run around the house in the mask like the lead in a production of The Gnarly Haired Mistress on Guido Kabuki Theater was amusing. Oh, and Vinny got his first spray tan so that he could finally fit into the group. How the only pure-bred Sicilian is also the palest member of the clan is well beyond us.

But most interestingly, the crew went to Jenkinson's, a neighboring but lesser boardwalk and amusement area. Their trip to Jenks (as they call it) is like when people from D.C. take an excursion to Baltimore for an evening. You know it's not going to be nearly as fun and full of freaks, but it's good for a change of scenery and a mild diversion. Jenkinson's is sort of like the island of the lotus eaters in the Odyssey in that it is filled with all sorts of temptations—rides, booze, cute-as-hell penguins, and all the gorilla juice-heads a girl could want. But as JWOWW points out, the boys have beautiful bodies, but are all Jenked about the face. Body: 10. Looks: 3. We guess Jenkinson's is more like Pleasure Island, where all the boys have been turned into donkeys. Maybe it's the Island of Misfit Boys.

Now that we have learned about the geography, let's look at their languageology.

  • The Dip: An evasive maneuver to avoid detection by one woman you're sleeping with when you're with another woman you're sleeping with. Normally it's done in a car, but can also be done on foot.
  • Michael Bolton: The dulcet tones of this formerly long-locked singer have a strange soothing effect on the members of the guido tribe. When he is in a state of distress, the guidos crank some "When a Man Loves a Woman" and feel better. Therefore, when someone is said to be listening to Michael Bolton, he is obviously in a state of emotional turmoil.

Speaking of emotional distress, that is what The Situation thought he would wreck on the entire household when Vinny and DJ Paulie Departed left for Staten Island and the rest of the crew left for GTL. The Situation was all alone, but that doesn't mean he was without friends. Yes, he hung out with JWOWW's dogs: Lean Cuisine and Juice Box.

The Situation let them out of their pen and fed them pizza from the trash and peanut butter on the floor. He let them roam all around the house wherever they'd like to go. Yes, he has a "master plan."

Yup, The Situation wanted Lean Cuisine and Juice Box to shit all over the house. The poor animals can not be blamed. Lean Cuisine (the white one which is probably some sort of strange poodle mix) and Juice Box (a Pomeranian, the most annoying breed in the whole entire universe) used to be very well behaved animals when they lived alone with JWOWW and her ex Tom in Long Island. But ever since they've moved to Seaside Heights, something about them has changed. They've become devilish tricksters who want to irk and annoy the guido at every turn.

Yes, Lean Cuisine and Juice Box have fallen under the thrall of the guido's household god, the Duck Phone. Just as Zeus had his Pan and Odin had his Loki, the Duck Phone needs his tricksters and jesters in the great pantheon of the guido gods. He has infused Lean Cuisine and Juice Box with magical prankster powers. When JWOWW, who they call "the Great Jailer," lets them out of their pen in the corner of her bedroom, they will do anything and everything in their little doggy powers to create a disturbance. So, it's not really their fault they shit all over the house, it's just The Situation's fault for letting them out.

God, Sitch is such a jerk. When everyone arrived home, he went and pretended like he was asleep the whole time so it would look like the dogs got out on their own. This was his Master Plan—his doggy Final Solution. Is it because he's jealous of the dogs and the attention they get and he wants them gone? Is it because he's just an asshole and wanted to fuck with everyone? Is it because he, too, is under the thrall of the evil blinking eyes of the Duck Phone? Is it because, as the evil beast known as Trash Bags alleges, he is in the closet and harboring intense velvet rage?

Whatever it is, he's still a dick. When the girls get home everyone is disgusted by the poop that is everywhere, and when Deena hugs Lean Cuisine, she smells The Situation on him. She thinks Sitch let them out and forced them to poop on everyone's stuff. While Deena does arrive at the truth, she does it indirectly. It's not that the dog smelled like Situation, it's that The Situation has the musky bestial odor of a canine. When you get close enough to him, he gives off the aroma of day-old Purina and synthesized dog pheromones, which he sprays himself with to increase his chances of getting laid.

JWOWW already has enough problems without having to worry about Lean Cuisine and Juice Box. When she, Sammi, Ronnie, and Vinny go to the tanning salon, she sees her most recent beau, Roger the Mayor of Seaside Heights, in the car on the route back. When something bad happens.

Yes, Roger gives JWOWW "the dip" and won't say hi to her, and everyone else in the car is convinced that he was with another girl and is playing Jenni. When Jenni gets home, she calls Roger and says, "I saw you with another girl and we're done. Goodbye."

Here's the problem with that. Jenni is listening to Sammi and Ronnie tell her what's going on. Sammi—who was so burned by Ronnie that she now hates men—sees another girl in the car. There was no other girl. Sammi was not only projecting her own issues onto Roger, she was projecting a whole imaginary person in the goddamn car! And Ronnie, the cheating bum that he is, believes Roger is cheating and got busted because, well, Ronnie is still getting over cheating and getting busted. Don't listen to your lovelorn roomies, JWOWW!

When Roger doesn't call back, she assumes the worst, because of the notions her cohorts have put into her head (though we did enjoy Vinny and DJ Paulie Doppleganger teasing her with her now classic rejoinder "You don't call back, you get your ass beat, you don't call back, you get your ass beat"). Then she figures out the reason he wasn't calling was because he was getting his haircut. Oh, oops.

When Roger calls he says that he didn't see her because he was rushing from the gym to the barber shop and that's why he was driving so erratically, not because he had a girl in the car. JWOWW needs to chill out, but, as she says, at least Roger knows she cares. Yeah, great consolation. A crazy jealous girl cares about you! Time to call ATD and renew your contract, Rog!

Speaking of Sammi and Ronnie, they are both totally injured human beings at this point, but they've managed to get on quite well. They even had some fun and laughed and hung out with the gang without being either total lifeless lumps or slamming their heads together like a Japanese fighting fish with a mirror in front of it. They even got wasted and made out at Karma. Ronnie tried, more than once, to get back together with Sammi, but she seems to be keeping a good sense about the whole thing, knowing that they don't really work when they're together. But like a rock under the constant stream of Ronnie's affection, she's starting to wear down and the rest of the crew is dreading their reunion.

That all ends when The Situation runs into his old friend Arvin. He asks Sitch where Sammi is, saying he's supposed to meet here there. Oh, Arvin. You might as well just taken a giant turd on the living room floor like Lean Cuisine, because you have really fucked up. Rather than going to find Sammi, Sitch asks him to see the text she's been sending. You know he's going to start some shit now.

Naturally the first person Sitch tells is Sammi's sworn enemy JWOWW, who also asks to see the texts. Quickly the information spreads around the house that Sammi has been texting another guy behind Ronnie's back. Everyone knows, at this point, but no one is telling Sam or Ron. As Snooki points out, Guy Code dictates that the boys must tell Ron and gather around him, while the girls must go tell Sam what Arvin is saying and that Situation is starting shit. Thus the natural divide in the house is exposed again as the crew separates based on sex.

Sammi is pissed off and says that Arvin is just a friend from home. As she points out, that's not really a big deal. And even if she was texting him for sexy time there's nothing wrong with that. She was broken up with Ronnie. She can't "do her?" If Sammi wanted to smash with Arvin, I can't say that I blame her. Look at him. He is seriously scramp.

Naturally Ronnie gets all pissed off at Sammi because he was crying over her and she was at home texting with a friend of hers who happens to posses a (probably larger than Ronnie's) penis. Whatever, Ronnie. You did far worse to her.

Ron leaves the club with the guys and they go home and he heads up to his room. Vinny and DJ Paulie Debate get ready for a big fight. Again, they are like Statler and Waldorf, just ready to comment on all the vicious drama that unfolds before them.

When the girls get home with Sammi, everything is calm for a minute. It's like the afternoon before a snowstorm, when everyone has already stockpiled their shelves and settled in for the night and the air is brisk and still and has that metallic smell of cold. You know something horrible is going to happen, but the atmosphere is misleading. That's what it was like in that living room. Still and chilly and the electricity built and built until Sammi accused The Situation of stirring up shit. Which, well, he was guilty. He stirred up shit. In this case, both literally and figuratively.

After they duke it out for a bit, Sam and Ron start to go at it, again. Like a snake sucking its own ass, the good old screeching love ballad of Sammi and Ronnie starts a new.

They go into Sammi's room and fight, and everyone downstairs is beside themselves. They can't live like this anymore. It's like living at the base of an active volcano. Everything seems nice and peaceful and you can make it through the day, but you know, you always know in the back of your mind, that at any time, the whole fucking thing could explode an burn down everything you own and kill everyone you love. And that volcano just lost its top again.

The Situation tries to defend himself, but there really is no defense. As Vinny says, he wasn't wrong (though I think he was) but he still stirred up shit. Can't The Situation just leave any situation alone? This isn't a prank, this is just maliciousness.

And upstairs, Sam and Ron go through another one of their patented battles. In their pen, Lean Cuisine and Juice Box start to yap. They yap louder and louder, commentating on the action, raising the cacophony in the small space. They aren't shouting, though. They're laughing. Yap yap yap. They're giggling out loud at the havoc that is ensuing. Like a Greek Chorus with a bad attitude, they offer their obnoxious commentary. And as Sam and Ron scream and scream, they yap and yap and yap, sending their titters out into the night, down toward their evil overlord below. The Duck Phone's eyes glow a searing red and then it finally hits—the blizzard on the volcano. Ice and fire and cold and steam, billowing and blowing in another great conflagration. Yap. Yap. Yap.