Last night's American Idol was a result show, which, though rife with human suffering, is sort-of boring to recap (Ashthon went home. Bye, Ashthon!). Instead, let's compose an open letter to former contestant and last night's guest, Adam Lambert!
First and foremost, welcome back! It was nice to see you last night, especially when your post Idol life has been so successful. It doesn't always go that way, you know. Look at Taylor Hicks and Lee DeWyze. No one is looking forward to them returning to perform and, inadvertently, shove the Idol public's poor voting record back in its face (to be fair, I only voted once in AI history and it was for Clay Aiken. Don't tell anyone, though). It's not like that with you, though! You've had radio hits and perform at award shows- it's doubtful we'll see you as Teen Angel in a touring production of Grease anytime soon. People care what you're up to. I care what you're up to and I hardly ever care about anything. You didn't even win your season (who did? More like WHO CARES) and you're still one of the best performers this show has ever had to offer.
To be honest, Adam, I can't really pinpoint what it is that I love about you. Your music isn't really my thing and I'm always surprised by how much foundation you're wearing. Could it be your charisma? That's definitely a part of it. It was so cute last night when you were trying to learn the Dougie- the whole show should have been about that instead of the contestants' new mansion and soggy Michael Jackson medleys. You also have an unrivaled flair for drama. Your outfits are crazy and you've got that whole Freddie Mercury-vocal wail happening. Then there are those highly publicized shots of you french kissing boys and that time you dragged a dancer across the floor by her hair. You're like a walking 'Fuck You' to the Parents Television Council, who, everyone knows, is made up of the biggest bunch of dweebs.
What's perhaps best about you, though, is that you seem to really deserve the good things that are happening to you. You represent what, in an ideal world, American Idol is here for- exposing exciting performers that wouldn't get noticed otherwise (though I'm confident you would have found a way regardless). Your performance of "Aftermath" last night was nice- I didn't lose my mind over it, but I also didn't want to drive knives into my ears like I did when current contestant Jacob Lusk sang his cloying version of "I Believe I Can Fly" (plus, hearing your single reminds me that a major part of your proceeds will go to the Trevor Project, whereas hearing "I Believe I Can Fly" reminds me of peeing on an underage girl).
There you have it, Adam. At your best, you're a capable and exciting performer who we can really enjoy watching. At your worst, you're an altruistic and nice seeming person who doesn't make me think of R. Kelly.
In sum, we should probably make a pompadoured baby.
Madeleine Davies, Gawker.TV