Werewolves Not As Sexy As Everyone Thought

If we're judging sexiness by box office receipts (which we are, right?), then werewolves are certainly not the hotties that vampires are. Aliens are doing OK, though! As long as they're evil and we're shooting them, anyway.

1) Battle: Los Angeles — $36M
Bad reviews be damned, this documentary about the crazy time last summer when Michelle Rodriguez totally had to like fight these aliens, and that's why she was in such a hurry and speeding, officer, because of the aliens and the battle and stuff, performed higher than expected. It won't be the big hit of the season, leave that to movies opening a little bit later in the spring, but it ought to at least hold its own. Which is good! I have a strange loyalty to this movie, if only because that first trailer with the creepy sad music was so good. And because, of course, the aliens were totally on her tail and she needed to get away from them, but also, uh, to them to fight them, so hence the speed, and damn, maybe saying she was training for a new Fast and the Furious movie would have been a way better story. Or, um, she has to get back to the island?

2) Rango — $23M
All the kids went to see this one this weekend, while their dads stared bitterly at the hordes of younger, single, unattached guys who fart-sauntered into Battle: Los Angeles without a farty care in the world. What a bitter, mean old rock this place is sometimes. One minute you're 22 and the only thing you have to do on a Saturday is get stoned, go see a movie, go home and eat a whole pizza and then spend the rest of the night chasing the muff around at some party, and the next you're lost in the woods of your 30s and there's apple juice and graham crackers and stickiness and noise and screaming and diapers and Rango, some movie about who knows the fuck what, it's another animated movie with no boobs or explosions, that's all that matters, and there you are staring and wishing. But then, of course, after the hour and a half, you go home and there's all of that stuff that you've built, and hell Rango wasn't half bad, that Johnny Depp, man, he can do anything, and this is probably better than the onanistic tugs of mysterious younger loneliness, better probably to actually finally live in the future than spend all your time staring down into its maw, wondering. And if you have to wait to see Battle: Los Angeles some day months from now when everyone's off somewhere (and you won't even get to finish it, probably), then that's OK, you hear it's not that good anyway.

3) Red Riding Hood — $14M
The better to not see you with? While this relatively inexpensive ($40 million) movie could have done worse, I suppose, it should have done better. What with its cute boys and supernatural sexual allegory and whatnot. Isn't that what everyone's craving these days? Flush-cheeked metaphors for fucking set to Gothic-sounding wail rock? I guess they are with Twilight, a story they know and love, and not with Red Riding Hood, a story they assuredly know but probably associate with the tinker-tonk of childhood and not with strange new feelings and the dreamy boy in the back of the class who doesn't say much and supposedly moved here from a whole 'nother state. Y'know? Like maybe sexually turgidizing a children's story like this wasn't actually the sexiest thing to do? What's next? Some about three twinks and an older predator coming to pork them called Three Little Pigs? Ha, I mean, no, in no way would that ever be what's next, unless it was put out by TLA and cost like fourteen bucks to make, but you get my drift maybe. Jack and Jill: two teens find themselves tumbling (read: fucking) down a hill in repressive 19th century Iowa hill country. While pursued by... evil milk. So maybe the sex allegory can't be grafted on as easily to everything, but still. It just doesn't work people! Sorry.

5) Mars Needs Moms — $6.8M
A rare miss in the animated movie genre, this one a supposedly $150 million affair that would need some sort of Hindu miracle to make back its budget. (I imagine Hindu miracles to be big and grand and colorful? No? Hindu readers, am I wrong?) I guess no one cares enough about this critical problem facing Mars. They have dads, and kids, and uncles, and aunts, and cousins and grampas. They just don't have enough moms. Well, do they have any moms? I mean, how strong is the "needs" here? Are there a few moms who are just way too tired doing all the mom stuff for everyone and they're like "We need help!!" or are there just literally no moms at all? And if so, where'd they all go? Did they go over to Venus to have a cocktail and listen to Sarah McLachlan and, y'know, go native? What's going on with these moms and Mars and all the little alien bastards they left behind? Maybe all these questions speak to why this movie didn't do so well. We're willing to suspend our disbelief pretty far for the ol' movies, but Mars having a mom shortage? It just doesn't add up. The whole thing stinks.

7) Beastly — $5M
Hahaha. OMG. My friend and I went to see this last night, because whatever, and holy shit is this a terrible movie. Just, like, insanely poorly made. Many, many made for TV movies appear to have had higher production budgets and certainly better casting directors than this feature film that was released in actual movie theaters. The script, as it turns out, was accidentally written by a sad monkey that just broke up with its boyfriend, the chicken scratch it scrawled on some paper with a crayon somehow floating its way to a studio executive who said "I like it. Roll camerae!" It's hard to even get into what makes it so awful, but let's at least say that Alex Pettyfer? The boy is pretty, we'll give him that, but that's about all he is. Good gravy is he not a good actor. Just really not in any way what we would define as a "good actor." Vanessa Hudgens is a greeting card that's come to life, and Lisa Gay Hamilton, Neil Patrick Harris, and a mortified-looking Peter Krause hopefully all got the summer houses of their dreams off this turkey, otherwise they should put stones in their pockets and walk into the water, because damn. I guess in retrospect it's sort of fun bad? Sort of? Like maybe you could get stoned and open a bottle of white wine and watch this and have a funny time? But not for $13 in the waning few hours of your weekend. Then it just feels cruel, especially when you know you could be seeing Red Riding Hood next door, it only started ten minutes later, and even though that movie probably sucks too, it probably sucks in a different way that's more forgivable. Instead it's Beastly, and then you're home, and then it's yet another shitty Monday, and you're writing about Beastly, and outside the cars go by, like they have for years. Sigh. Stupid Beastly.