Lindsay Lohan's Paparazzi-Induced Anxiety Attack, and Other PanicsS

Lindsay Lohan hyperventilates and calls the paparazzi "animals." Someone is selling a sex tape of Usher. Charlie Sheen misses his son's birthday party. Britney Spears reunites with K-Fed at her son's baseball game. Monday gossip sucks and blows.

  • Lindsay Lohan's Paparazzi-Induced Anxiety Attack, and Other PanicsArriving at JFK Airport with Dina and Ali (who generally live in Long Island) Lindsay Lohan suffered an "anxiety attack" and tweeted about it: "I love ny - but the paparazzi @ jfk just gave me an anxiety attack..... i was half asleep! they're such animals :( well- @ least im with my family in the end.... xo" Video of the stakeout documents how regular people react to a paparazzi stakeout: While the Lohans wait in the parking garage for a car, bystanders at first murmur sympathetically—then pull out their cameras and start taking pictures, too. As for the fruit of the paparazzi's labor: The best revelation comes from this shot of LiLo's Louis Vuitton luggage, which features a hot pink tag labeled LOHAN. How does that shit not get stolen the second it hits baggage claim? [@LindsayLohan, Radar, image of LiLo and Dina via Splash, luggage via Bauer-Griffin]
  • In other Lindsay Lohan news, she finally quit smoking, thereby improving her projected ability to hoard cigarettes and trade them other jailhouse goods and services (prison tat?) in the near future. [TMZ]
  • A sex tape featuring Usher and ex-wife Tameka Foster is on the market. TMZ viewed a clip and will only say, "the people in the video are both givers." The video may have been among the things stolen out of the back of Usher's car two years ago, but two years seems like a long time to sit on a sex tape, no? The car thief also made off with more than $1,000,000 worth of jewelry, so it's not like he (or she!) was a terribly moral person. On the other hand, I guess he wasn't hurting for cash, either. Anyway, I feel bad for Usher, because between Kanye West's giant penis and Chris Brown's super giant penis (NSFW), the hip-hop cock shot market has gotten pretty competitive. [TMZ]
  • Charlie Sheen should have died four times in the last six months, says the National Enquirer, and survives only because of the "quick action of friends and staffers." Given the current status of Sheen, are we sure it wasn't a pact with the devil? [Enquirer]
  • Charlie Sheen's twin sons turned two with a "lavish" backyard party featuring a bouncy castle and balloons at ex-wife Brooke Mueller's house. But does a bouncy castle and balloons really qualify as "lavish"? This strikes me as unexceptional behavior for Hollywood children. I've even seen bouncy castles at suburban birthday parties in the Midwest! Anyway, Charlie didn't come to the party, because Brooke has a restraining order against him. [Us, People]
  • Post-Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel went to a birthday party for her little brother, who is also named Justin. So really, the break-up is a godsend, because how gross would it be to find yourself moaning your little brother's name in passion for the rest of your life? [People]
  • Meanwhile, Mila Kunis "had nothing to do" with the Timberlake-Biel breakup, despite rumors stemming from the fact that they kiss a bunch in Friends with Benefits, and we are too stupid to see an image of two people kissing and not assume they are deeply in love and fucking constantly. Make-believe! It tests the limits of our simple human minds. [People]
  • Meanwhile-meanwhile, Britney Spears "blames herself" for the Timberlake-Biel split. I'd say this (not entirely believable) item provides its own punchline. [ShowBizSpy]
  • Speaking of Britney, she attended son Sean Preston's Little League game with boyfriend Jason Trawick, ex-husband Kevin Federline, and K-Fed girlfriend Victoria Prince. Very civilized, even if they mostly "kept their distance… and didn't speak." Gone are the days when Britney Spears running into an ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend was a guaranteed weave-ripper. [Us]
  • A-Rod and Cameron Diaz went to Busch Gardens, where they rode a roller coaster and A-Rod clapped his hands with glee. If I rode a roller coaster knowing that every single person on the ride would be photographing me before, during, and after, the deadly combination of motion sickness and performance anxiety would definitely make me hurl. [TMZ]
  • Kardashian paramour Scott Disick says he is no longer a "selfish, self-centered prick." But he's still a dead-ringer for Patrick Bateman, so we'll continue to categorize him as a "narcissistic and possibly deranged greed machine pervert" until proven otherwise, perhaps with a makeover. Update: As badwendy notes, Disick is not married to a Kardashian. He and Kourtney are a couple and have a baby together, but are not technically married. [People]