It's been quite some time since we checked in with Dustin and Jayden, Manhattan's most obnoxious homosexuals. We bumped into them last night at a bar in Hells Kitchen and they were talking about Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, and the tsunami. Here's what they had to say.
"Girl, what are those things all the way up your arms."
"Lady, it's the new Lady Gaga bracelet. All the children are wearing them. It's like that thing the guy with one nut did, but it's a fundraiser for this Asian drag queen."
"Why is Lady Gaga raising money for some Asian drag queen?"
"I don't know, but I heard that girl Tsunami has fallen on some tough times and Gaga is helping her out and raising some coins. She gonna be a millionaire now."
"Girl, she is not talking about Tsunami, that washed up queen from Lips. She's talking about a natural disaster."
"It's like a giant wave hit Japan after an earthquake. Buying your Gaga bracelets are great, but you should donate to the Red Cross or something. It's actually really serious."
"How serious can it be? Are there celebrities there?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Then it's not that serious. I mean, if it's really serious the celebrities will go and help out. And is there a telethon?"
"Seriously, when is the celebrity telethon? When is Kanye West going to get up on the television and tell us all that we don't care about Asian drag queens? Hm?"
"It just happened, girl. I'm sure they're trying to..."
"That's right. There is no telethon. Then it can't be that bad."
"Girl, that is just wrong. Lots of people died, you shouldn't be making jokes about it. Gilbert Godfriend got fired for that shit."
"You know, she was that parrot in Aladdin and the AFLAC duck."
"She's a bird?"
"No, she's a comedian. Anyway, she got fired for making jokes about the tsunami. So you'd better watch out. It's ignorant people like you that make it worse. God, you're making my headache even worse."
"Why you got a headache, girl?"
"I was up way too late last night drinking Tiger Blood and vodkas at XES."
"That sounds disgusting. What is it?"
"It's this new energy drink that Charlie Sheen is making. But put vodka in the Tiger Blood"
"Girl, you drank Charlie Sheen's blood!? You're going to get an STD or something. Or worse."
"It's not really his blood."
"Charlie Sheen's blood is potent girl. You probably still have a cocaine buzz."
"No, just a hang over."
"Did it make you straight? Do you want to fuck a porn star? Tell me. Do you like titties now?"
"Ew. No. But, lady, Charlie Sheen sure knows how to make a motherfucking cocktail. Okrrrrrrr."
"I'm sure she does, girl. That Charlie Sheen is a mess."
"Yeah, but I kind of love her. You gotta have respect for anyone who knows how to party like that. I mean, we didn't even get a suitcase of blow for Black Party Weekend."
"Or for Pride."
"Or Winter Party."
"Or White Party."
"Or the Stripes and Plaids Ball."
"Or last Thursday."
"Girl, what did we do last Thursday?"
"I don't remember, so it must have been fierce."
"Were we celebrating Lindsay's latest court date?"
"Yes! It was that Free LiLo party at the Ace Hotel."
"That brown leather dress was totally worth a soiree."
"Chante, girl. She better work. And that party was so LiLo too. We showed up, made out with the DJ, did a bunch of lines in the bathroom, and then it got busted by the cops."
"It was like the Lifetime movie of her life all in one night."
"The only thing missing were paparazzi."
"I'm so glad she's not going to take the plea deal."
"RIght. You know what that means."
"Werq!" (SNAPS!) "Like weeks and weeks of court outfits."
"Girl, she is going to make a mint off of all that marketing."
"Stealing that necklace was really the best thing to happen to her career since Freaky Friday."
"Do you think she could get Jamie Lee Curtis to show up at court."
"Can I get a witness!"
"Amen! Calling Tranny Lee Curtis, to the stand."
"This shit better go to trial or I will be one unhappy fag."
"Don't say that word!!!!!"
"Which word? Trial?"
"Why not? I am gay, and that is my word. I am taking it back, motherfucker."
"Anyone who utters the word fag is evil. GLAAD says so. They made that queen who writes about Glee for Vanity Fair apologize."
"Wait? A queen who writes about Glee for Vanity Fair?"
"There ain't no bigger fag than that!"
"NNNNNOOOO!!!!!! You can't say that word anymore."
"Whatever. Fuck GLAAD. Don't they have better things to worry about? Why can't they go after the people who call Elton John's partner his 'wife' instead of bothering one of their owns. I mean, a queen who writes about Glee for Vanity Fair is an easy target."
"She sounds kinda cute. Maybe we'll run into him tomorrow night."
"What are you doing tomorrow night?"
"I think I'm going to a protest for some drag queen."
"I don't know. Her name is Libya or something. Apparently she's having trouble sleeping."
"You mean unrest?"
"You are so stoopit..."
[Illustration by David Gilmore]