Panicky Americans Mutate Into Nuclear Medicine Experts

Plant life! Animal love! Prison workout! Potassium Iodide! Food surplus! Teen sleep! Nuclear disaster! And the key to happiness! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—from within a radiation-proof bubble!

  • Plants: do they want to die? No, they want to live. But they don't have brains and lots of pain cells, so I'm still eating them instead of animals.
  • And why do we love animals so much, anyhow? Scientists say it's because many years ago there were things in human culture, etc, and a wolf was like "You betta like me or get your face eaten!" to a man back then, and he was so scared he did it, and that man was your grandfather (lots of "great"'s attached).
  • Want to get your muscles fit, with fitness? You don't need a fancy gym! You can do this prison workout , and then walk around all, "What, pretty boy, I do a god damn prison workout, that's right." But you never know, that "pretty boy" could be Oscar de la Hoya.
  • Dumb people across America are running out and taking potassium iodide to ward off radiation that might float over here, from Japan, even though doctors say not to do that. Scientists call this "Darwinism."
  • Wake up and smell the smell of the world we live in in now, losers: a world with no surplus food. So no, you can't have half of my granola bar, Troy. God.
  • Why do we force our teens to go to school early in the morning when study after study shows that it causes them to be sleep-deprived and not ready to learn? It's because we hate them.
  • The Japanese nuclear disaster is now a level six out of seven, meaning that it can make your houseplants look like "Little Shop of Horrors," but it cannot cause your dog to grow a new brain and start doing calculus—evil calculus.
  • In an effort to get policy makers to understand why obscure experiments are scientifically necessary, research universities have started the Scientific Enquirer, a mock tabloid that explains in a lighthearted manner why it's important to keep funding scientific research. "Because of Lady Gaga," the Scientific Enquirer asserts.
  • Happiness? Overrated. What really makes life worth living is fun.

[Photo via]