Because Aerobics Suck, That's Why

Dog fitness coaches! Firefighter fitness plan! Hoosier fitness shame! Rihanna fitness secrets! Republican fitness DVD! Bachelor fitness freak! And aerobic fitness sham! It's your Wednesday fitness watch, where we watch your fitness—until we vomit with pride!

  • Are you a lazy slob couch potato so ashamed of your lazy slob existence that you can't even venture outside of your couch, out of fear of dying of shame and laziness? Get a dog! Studies say dogs will get you off the couch, by biting you. Or if you don't get up, they'll eat you.
  • How do firefighters stay fit? I would imagine by climbing up and down that fire pole, and also by doing a "human flag" by holding onto the fire pole and sticking their legs straight out, and then they act like they're walking, but sideways. But actually they just work out at a gym. What a letdown.
  • "If you are flabby and don't exercise, buy daily meals from a fast food restaurant or a vending machine, and smell like a dirty ashtray, you might be a Hoosier." Harsh words from the Terre Haute Tribune-Star! Harsh but true. That's just how Hoosiers are.
  • OMG, Rihanna is spilling her fitness secrets! To get Rihanna's body, you want to have enough disposable income and leisure time to be able to pay an entire team of nutritionists and trainers to force you to get into shape, which, in turn, will end up earning you more money, for more trainers, it's a neverending merry-go-round of fitness and money ahhhhhhhhhhhh! And no pasta.
  • Every morning, a bunch of Republican congressman get together on foam mats on a basketball court and do the P90X workout while watching a workout DVD on a TV screen. The workout's most killer move: gay sex with children.
  • Brad, who is the guy from The Bachelor, as if you didn't know, says he is a "freak" when it comes to health and fitness. "I like to tattoo pictures of various vegetables on my penis, and then have sex with big sculptures of pornographic mermaids made out of 100% protein powder," says Brad. "Call me a freak, but it makes me feel godlike." Don't let anyone stop you, Brad!
  • "Why do some people respond to an aerobic workout routine by becoming incredibly fit, whereas others who exercise just as hard for months end up no fitter than when they began?" I'll tell you why, so-called experts: fuck aerobic exercise? What are you planning to win, the aerobic Olympics, where everyone competes in purple leotards and the prize is a golden can of Hair Net? That's fine for you, I guess, you seem like you've always wanted that in your life. But here's a secret: nobody ever did deadlifts and squats and presses and rows and dips and pullups and then ended up "no fitter than when they began." The decision is yours. Oh and another wack thing about aerobics is the music they always play.
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