Garrison Keillor—the man who has figured out how to simultaneously be a down-how aw shucks Minnesota icon and King of That One Variety of Unbearable Liberal Elite—says he's going to retire in 2013. Because he needs to find his replacement. Ohhhhhh, just hurry it up! Jesus. Anyone who can talk slowly and breathe heavily and tell stories that are set in a small-town diner would work.