Charlie Sheen's time in the sun is over. Or at least for the time being. The recent incidents in Japan have pushed Sheen into the back pages of the newspaper, where he probably rightfully belonged in the first place. Most people probably feel the same way I do, which is like a total a-hole for caring so much about he did and said. There are dead body waves in Japan, and we spent the past three weeks consuming ourselves with Sheenamania (which sounds like an awesome wrestling event. If worst comes to worst, a TNA-sponsored Sheenamania should be Sheen's obvious choice. It would be freaking awesome). We know what our priorities are, that's for sure.
Charlie Sheen will not go down quietly. He has some kind of concert/live event coming up, and will probably make a few cameos in a few different forms of media over the rest of the spring and upcoming summer. Somehow, I managed to secure how the next two years for the Vatican Assassin Warlock (can he maybe explain what the hell that means? Can he ever elaborate on anything?) will look.
It will definitely be a roller coaster, to use a trite expression. Although a Charlie Sheen roller coaster would be the greatest theme park ride of all-time, Sheen himself will probably not enjoy it as much. So get your barf bags out, put your hands up, and let us see how the Charlie Sheen will somehow manage to stay alive until 2013.
March 22nd, 2011 (the report was very accurate): Charlie Sheen tweets something along the lines of: "Did anyone hear anything about Japan? Just heard the news." or "Did you see all the cars in the water? They sure are bad drivers." or "They deserved it! How dare they take the spotlight from an m'fin warlock!" Needless to say, the rationally thinking public is abhorred. The Sheen train is quickly rearing off the tracks.
April 2nd, 2011: Charlie Sheen's first concert in Detroit. Instead of saying something profound, or maybe even apologizing for his remarks about Japan, Sheen goes on a two hour rant about how the media is not letting him breathe. As every great war has a "turning point battle", this is the turning point in the Public v. Charlie Sheen. This is where people see he may just in fact have lost all connection with the outside world. That's where the dumber portion of society realized this. If you didn't realize he was insane by 1989, you should not be allowed to have kids.
April 22nd, 2011: Speaking of kids: Sees kids for first time in two months. Gives them high fives, moves on.
May 2nd, 2011: The public has forgotten about Sheen. Sheen is super-pissed, so he takes to his U-Stream account to go on a rant about the media, the Catholic Church, Don Mattingly, CBS and himself. Only 1,576 people tune in.
May 26th, 2011: The warlock is back! The Hangover II opens to glowing reviews, especially for Sheen's brilliant cameo as a drug dealer displaced in Thailand who gets into a fight with Bill Clinton. Sheen really enjoyed Thailand, and actually has been living there for the past month, which is of course probably the worst place for him to live. Colombia would be a better place for Sheen. Like Mike Tyson, who appeared in the first Hangover, Sheen is once against beloved by the public. Let that be a lesson to you. If a convicted rapist or wife beater can win the public's trust and love back, anyone can!
May 28th, 2011: Sheen once again loses public's trust/interest by actually fighting Bill Clinton.
June 29th, 2011: Sheen loses his collective mind, and his sobriety. No one is sure why or how this happened, but insiders say "something just snapped". I am not sure "something" was there to begin with, but whatever it was is now destroyed. His three month binge rivals Keith Richards and anyone who has ever partied before. It also challenges science, as Sheen should have died 11 times during this binge.
Oct 3, 2011: He randomly gains sobriety, says he is "bored". Writes a book called "The Bible II: The Real Testament" in six days.
Nov 21st, 2011: Book comes out. It is given horrible reviews and little readership, due to the fact that it is written in broken English and contains non-sequiturs like "My pants are on fire. I am not sure what to do." and "I love Iran". No one knows what to make of the book, or Sheen's communist undertones.
Jan 2nd, 2012: After another one month long random coke binge, Sheen enters Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Sheen considers this his "darkest period, yet fun", mainly because he hates Dr. Drew and spends most of his time pulling pranks on him. One episode consists of Sheen pulling a fake withdrawal stroke, then "miraculously" coming back to live and punching Drew in the face. Celebrity Rehab sees its highest ratings ever.
Feb 2012-Apr 2012: Pretty much dead air on the Sheen campus. Promises big things for the "movement", whatever the hell that means. Jesus, that guy sounds like Charlie Manson sometimes.
May 2012: Access Hollywood's incessant stalking of Sheen has finally led to something productive. Sheen is the middle of filming an untitled Darren Aronofsky project. Oh, and he now has seven girlfriends for some reason. I probably should have added that in around mid-2011.
June 2012: Sees kids again. Kids do not recognize Charlie, or vice versa. Fun times.
Nov 2012: The Man No One Wanted, Sheen's project, premieres to GLOWING reviews. The review emit radiation poisoning, and make readers look like Mr. Burns after he took his longevity treatment (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Aliensimpsons.png). Charlie gets arguably the best marks of his career. Of course, he is playing a character named Charlie who likes women, booze, and meth, so it isn't all that hard.
Dec 21, 2012: World doesn't explode.
Feb 2013: Oscar night! Charlie shows up in a white tuxedo and is surrounded by three of his girlfriends. He is nominated for Best Actor in a motion film. Everyone loves a comeback!
Unfortunately (I guess), he loses Best Actor to Christian Bale's performance as Batman in The Dark Knight Rises. Voters ignore Bale's Eastwood-esque accent, and give him the award for his stellar performance, in which he actually kills Catwoman.
Sheen is obviously pissed, and spends the night cooped up in a hotel with his girlfriends.
The police are called within three hours.