Happy St. Patrick's Day ladies and germs! Spring is nigh and Tyra has officially dropped the Banks from her name. It's good to be alive.

In what was yet another Tyra de force from the series, this episode asked each model to look within herself and elect a school of philosophy that best expresses her beliefs and morals. JKKKK. This episode didn't do anything like that! But we did see some lovely Mad Men-y type costumes and had hunky director, Francesco Carrozzini, appear, so it's kinda the same.


Basically, this episode delves into the personalities of two ladies: Queen Alexandria and Grimble Grumble Sara. Alexandria, as we know, is everyone's least favorite. She is bossy, controlling, and mean, but also strangely maternal. She loves to give advice that no one has asked for, and she delights in the failure and tears she elicits in others. But girlfriend takes a pretty picture. This is undeniable. We (the girls and myself) cringe when she is praised for her work because we all want her to go home! Get out of our Chateau and leave us in peace. Last week at panel she was given a stern talking to for being such a bully, but it doesn't look like much is changing.

And then there's Sara. Ugh. Sara compared herself to Smeagol in the last episode, which is kind of funny but also not a very nice thing to say about yourself, especially when you are attempting to become the Number One Fiercest Model. Also, Sara does a very good job communicating a few things about who she is: she is smart, a feminist, and different (italics) from the other girls. She wants an education, she watches Lord of the Rings. These are good thing and I liked her at first, but all this self-deprecating grumbling and effort she puts in to being the Quirky One is annoying as all get out. So that's what you should know about that.

Wise Baby Jacqui suggests that the next runway competition will be something involving fire hoses and walking up steps, which? So close, Jacqs, so so close. Next time. The girls actually must walk through a fiery runways with their hands on fire. TWIST. Always that twist! There are the inevitable, "I used to be a pyro" comments from a few of the girls, but although they're just a shakin' and a quakin' in their stiletto, the majority of the girls do great. Grimble Grumbles has her usual grimbley troubles (Kasia makes a funny and calls her "a hot mess"), but even she does aight. Alas, there can only be one Lady Du Fire and that is elegant Dalya. The three failures- Kasia, Hannah, and Grumbles- are told they need to practice their walks more and therefore must walk home. Really. This happened. Miss Jay turned around in her mini-van and screeched, "I will pull this mini over so help me God, Mama's had it," and told the ladies that their fate was sealed. So off they went, by themselves (with a camera crew), weaving their way through the dark streets of LA. Way harsh, but they make the best of it and keep their heads high and practice runway walking. Through the streets of LA.

Lights, camera, ACT. The girls are doing a very real commercial for Fierce Roast coffee, which is actually just bits of Tyra's dead skin and fingernails ground up into a dark and bold roast. The premise of the commercial is based around a Mad Men type of environment: Ad Man exec and with his two fine secretaries sexily feeding him ideas. And guess who has a problem with it? Grumbles. She does not want to be a part of something that her Femme Corp. friends at home will snub so mightily, and she is simply too principled to partake in something that so debases women this way. Good thing she's entering the modeling world! Good thing she's on this show! You go Grumbles. Without those principals, you're nothing. Wanna know who else was difficult during this shoot? Queen Alexandria. Everyone- the hunky director, the girls, the guy with the boner holding the boom- wanted to strangle her fair little neck because she was so bossy. I want Perfect Brittani to put her in her place in a big way, but she is far too composed and poised to do that.

So Baby Jacqs is given a fake "booty," which is a word that we heard a lot during this episode, Kasia nails it and wins, and everyone else lines up and waits for the Tyran Contra Affair to begin. I think Nigel has a little crush on Hannah, but let's bide our time and wait to see how this plays out. Why doesn't someone write that into this script? It's been 16 cycles; Nigel deserves a little and he deserves it on screen. Just sayin'. So the time has come to announce the bottom two, and just who might they be? Yes, our ladies of the hour. Eventually we learn that confidence trumps bullying tendencies, and Alexandria is allowed to stay. It's only a matter of time though. Let's hang in there girls. Poor Grumbles is sent packing, and she will return home to her Femme Corp. friends just in time for the drum circle they have have in celebration of their periods aligning. I am woman hear me roar. A-woman.

Here are the Tyra Quotes of the episode. May they tide you over until next week's existential crisis:

  • "Yes, that was a commercial."
  • "Y'all milked it."
  • "They put a booty in yo booty?"
  • "I'm Banksy."