Oof. American Idol was bad last night, you guys, and not in its unusual fun-bad way. No, it was boring-bad, which, everyone knows is the worst kind of bad to encounter on TV. The broadcast was, in fact, so consistently dull and terrible that it was impossible to find one clip that was really worth discussing. So, instead, let's talk about how this season's contestants are made up primarily of babies.
Last night, all of the performers were asked to sing songs from the year of their birth. The second contestant of the night (straight after the noodle-limbed, possibly coke-fueld Gawker.TV boyfriend Paul McDonald) was Thia Magia who sang "Colors of the Wind" by Vanessa Williams. For those who don't know, "Colors of the Wind" is a song from the Disney film Pocahontas, which came out in 1995. When they first announced her birth year, I wasn't sure whether to cry or puke (I decided to do neither because I am obviously ANCIENT and know that losing the moisture will take me one step closer to my eagerly awaiting coffin). Admittedly, I have a difficult time when I'm faced with someone younger and more successful than me, but usually I can let it go when that person is super talented and maybe MAYBE I can even grow to love them (see Adele, for example). Thia, however, is a complete SNORE. If we have to pay attention to a 16 year-old, shouldn't they bring something fresh? Isn't that what the youths are supposed to be good for? Why is she on my television? How do I turn this thing off? Can she see me while it's turned on? A Black man is president? Where am I?
Okay, I'm briefly back from my bout of Old Lady Crazy to comment on the other contestants that were born post 1990. Haley Reinhart was born in '91 and did her best to sing Whitney Houston's "I'll Be Your Baby Tonight." Her best wasn't good enough, though Jennifer Lopez said she looked great and Ryan had to help her wipe smeared lipstick off her face while the camera was still rolling (every girl's dream!). J.Lo also said that Hailey reminded her of the previously mentioned Adele, which made my skeleton jump out of my mouth and do a weird shakey rage dance before collapsing into a pile of bones (I'm okay now). Beardy goofball Casey Abrams (also born in 1991) sang "Smells Like Teen Spirit," which everyone said was brave (relax, guys. This isn't Guadalcanal) and ended up being just alright. The best part of his segment was when they interviewed his parents and they bickered the entire time (give THEM the record contract, Interscope). 16-year-old Lauren Alaina sang a Melissa Etheridge song ("I'm the Only One") and didn't butcher it too bad (plus, she's got this dumb hopefulness that I somehow find appealing) so we'll forgive her for being a tiny baby person. Scotty McCreery, 17, sang Travis Tritt's "Can I Trust You with My Heart" and it sounded exactly like every other song that Scotty has sung (maybe that's because he only sings Travis Tritt songs). His high school baseball team was in the audience, which was a sad reminder of what it used to be like that had bodies that worked (I used to be able to walk in flip flops, everyone. FLIP FLOPS).
So will we have to endure an entire season of singing infants or will one of them be sent home tonight?