As our subjects in the most important sociological experiment of our time get close to the end of their summer, they start to fall into old patterns and must face their oldest and deadliest villains. Oh, and Sammi said "done" again. The apocalypse is nigh.
But before we can talk about that, we were surprised to see that Vinnie and DJ Paulie (Ninten)D(o) remembered the family stories of Enzo, their boss at the gelato shop in Miami. Yes, Enzo was the forgotten Super Mario Brother, and his tales of trying to rescue his brothers from the clutches of the evil lord Bowser had a serious impact on the guido tribe. In fact, they call a hot guy a "Super Mario" and mimicking the actions of the video game are a source of comedy and inspiration for our gentlemen. This was depicted when they sing the game's notorious anthem to the words "denim denim denim" to describe Deena's acid-washed atrocity that she wore out to the club. Never forget, young guidos. Don't let the tales of Mario, Luigi, and Enzo be forgotten.
Now that we know a bit of their folklore, let us learn a bit about their language.
- Dime: An attractive woman. You would think that a prize like a hot girl would be named after a higher denomination, but since a "dime bag" is also a prize to the guido, they decided that the 10-cent piece as a good moniker for the more attractive specimens of the fairer sex.
- Warrior: An unattractive woman. The worst thing an woman in guido culture can do is fight against a man. She should be docile and pliant or else she will be cast out of the house. Therefore, the worst kind of woman is a "warrior"—one who fights all the time.
- Neutral: This is not an adjective, but a verb. It means to let two acts of bad behavior between two people nullify each other. For instance if a guy cheats on his girlfriend, and a girlfriend cheats on the guy, they can then "neutral" it and pretend like neither event happened. This is especially handy considering how poor the guido memory tends to be.
Ugh, now we have to talk about Sammi and Ronnie. Never before have I, as a top-tier sociologist, wished to enter into an experiment, batter two of the subjects about the head and neck regions, and hope that they finally learned their lesson. Not only is their continued behavior frustrating, it's also boring.
Sammi and Ronnie start off this transmission continuing their fight about Arvin, the friend of The Situation's who Sammi supposedly told to meet her at Karma. Ronnie is pissed about it and Sammi is all "He's just a friend. We were broken up. You cheated on me. It's no big deal." Clearly, she's right. Then Ronnie says, "What if a girl showed up who I told to meet me there?" And Sammi said, "I'd fucking kill her." And that is the fucked up double standard of this relationship. Neither of them can behave like rational people. They don't understand the rules of how a relationship works. When you are broken up, the other person can do whatever the hell they want. That's why you break up. But most people outside of sociological experiments (and the Byzantine leases and property hassles of Manhattan) aren't forced to live together after the relationship has been terminated, so it must be a little difficult.
Somehow, out of all this, Sammi feels like she's the one who is wrong and now she is chasing after Ronnie. Wait, wasn't he just the one trying to win her back? God, I'm so confused. Everyone goes out to the club except Sammi and Ronnie and they stay home and have dinner. The whole time, Sammi is hanging off of Ronnie and apologizing and he's all, "Pass the mustard," and can barely speak to her. After they finish eating, he cleans his teeth out with his pinky and then sucks on his mouth and is like, "Alright, we're gonna fuck now." And Sammi obediently complies. With that begrudging smush, they are back together and we are all doomed. The snake that sucks its own ass has been resurrected. Then there's another fight.
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After they fucked, Sammi slept with her contacts in and she woke up the next morning blind. This is just like when Ronnie broke Sammi's glasses—she can't see clearly when she is with Ronnie. Is there a more obvious objective correlative for her? Maybe if he actually cut out her eyeballs she would understand. While Ronnie drives Sammi to the doctor, his mother drunk dials the house multiple times and wants to talk about how she doesn't want Sam and Ron together. I'm not really going to go into Ron's drunk mom—you just can't cut on someone's mother—but considering that Ronnie has a mother who is shitfaced in the middle of the day and is drunk dialing speaks volumes about his character and the way he treats women. When Ron's drunk mom gets The Situation on the phone, he tells her all about Sammi and Arvin, because The Situation is a dick.
JWOWW overheard what Sitch had to say, and told Sammi about it. Girl code takes precedence over their grudge, and this shows that the two former enemies have finally reconciled. But that is the only thing that JWOWW did all episode. Where was she? Where did she run off to? How did she get away from the cameras?
While The Situation is out on the porch telling Ronnie that Sammi is a no good cheater for calling Arvin, she goes out to confront him about the drunk mom situation and to defend herself. That's when the fight starts.
Thanks to The Situation and the rest of the boys telling Ronnie that Sammi is wrong—mostly to keep them broken up and maintain some peace in the house than because they actually think Sammi is wrong—Ronnie now believes them, and he gets The Situation to call Arvin on the phone to find out exactly what happened between the two.
Since Ronnie can't trust her and believes The Situation over her, Sammi announces that they are now "done." Wait, weren't they already over? Weren't they definitively done when she left the house? Guess not. And we all know that "done" does not at all mean finished. God this relationship just goes up and down, up and down, up and down, like a manic depressive on a roller coaster. Someone put on the breaks and string that bipolar bitch up, because we are sick of watching it.
What we learned from all this is that The Situation is kind of a horrible person. Behold.
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The thing about The Situation is that he seems to be at his happiest when everyone else is unhappy. He wants Sam and Ron broken up and miserable. He wants the dogs, Juice Box and Lean Cuisine, to poop all over the house and stink it up. He wants to steal girls from the other guys so they're lonely and sexually frustrated. And now, this is how he handles himself at work.
All of the guidos slack off at their appointed job at the Shore Store. It's not even like a real job. It's not like they're writers or associate editors. They're the Editor-at-Large, just there to laze around and bring a bit of guido prestige to the joint. They are figure heads, celebrity board members, the famous friends Arianna Huffington convinces to drive her Post further into the ground. They are not actual working employees.
The Situation can't even stand an afternoon of standing around, waving at the crowd and kissing grandmas. He has to take a nap in the changing room, making Bossman Danny totally miserable. Man, what a dick.
Speaking of the Shore Store, DJ Paulie Diamond convinces Vinny to finally pierce his ears at their place of employment. All of the guido's self-confidence—their arrogance, self-worth, and swagger, if you will—is contained in their earlobes. Putting a hole in them not only allows for decorative accessories to be adorned, but also lets all those feelings out, and amplifies them. That's why Vinny, a formerly mild-mannered do-gooder, turned into a bit of an asshole pimp after the simple operation was performed. It's sort of like a reverse lobotomy—with bling.
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When Vinny and DJ Paulie Dog bring two grenades home from the club, one of their brothers shows up to extricate them, which, as a family member is well within his rights and not against Guy Code. Vinny, feeling full of confidence wants to keep his girl when DJ Paulie Dismiss wants to get rid of his. But then he allows her to go, and unceremoniously kicks everyone out of the house when he doesn't get his way.
First of all, they both treated these girls horribly, and I'm glad DJ Paulie Dissed's girl gets in a few good digs at him on her way out.
Vinny's aggressive behavior to women doesn't stop there. He then gets in a rap fight with Sammi. There are only two acceptable ways for guidos and guidettes to do battle: a prank war and a rhyming battle. Both are without violence, because if a man hits a woman, well then he is just a complete asshole who is going to hell. But he can hurl water balloons at her, put shit on her bed, or call her mean names to her face, as long as he can find something that rhymes (which recalls a classic Situation line about a certain member of the house resembling a Bundt).
But the worst aggression is reserved for Vinny's sometimes lover Snooki.
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When the girls go home with their brother, Vinny pretends like he's going to take Snooki to bed as a joke. She doesn't think it's funny. As she says, she should be someone's first priority, not their last resort. But Vinny insists and insists and they both stubbornly hold their position and continue this crazy argument. Vinny is actually stunningly aggressive and his behavior is slightly alarming. Usually Snooki only lets guys choke her in bed, and that's after they bought dinner.
Earlier in the transmission, they went to get burgers all alone and Vinny and even paid. That sounds like a date. They both admit to having feelings for each other, but there is something keeping them apart. Is it a fear or commitment? Is it that they don't want to stop their habit of going out and hooking up? Is it that Vinny doesn't want to be saddled for life with someone he'll need to bend over to talk to when they need to communicate in a nightclub? Who knows, but I have a feeling this is a storyline that the scientists devising this experiment are trying to extract rather than one happening naturally—especially considering that Snooki is currently with someone who she met in Seaside Heights this season who is not Vinny.
Snooki needs to keep an eye on Vinny if she ever wants to get his Moby Dick into her Pequod, because he is in very real danger.
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Yes, Danielle, Agent of Mossad, is back and she is making a last ditch attempt to kidnap a guido and take them back to Israeli. See, this possible international incident is a long time coming. The guido, as we know, is genetically different and can withstand much more emotional and physical trauma than the ordinary human. Because of this, the Israeli government wants a guido stud to impregnate its women, fortifying their gene pool, and creating some very strong stock for their country. Danielle, the Agent of Mossad, has been undercover trying to lure DJ Paulie Diabolique to her home country.
Last summer, she tried a classic honey trap, luring him into her good graces and hoping she could get him to marry her and move back to Israel voluntarily. Because she came on too strong, that didn't work. When the crew returned to Seaside, she teamed up with the Ramona the Romanian, the Eastern Bloc spy that was also trying to nab herself a guido guinea pig to drag back home, and Lauren and Paula, the messy girls from the tanning salon. Their efforts have been completely unsuccessful.
Before, the guidos just thought that she was a stalker, some fucked up girl who was obsessed with DJ Paulie Debonnaire. Earlier this season, she even got him to take her back to their home, but when she was there, he and the rest of the guidos just mocked her until she left voluntarily. But now the jig is up. As The Situation says, they know that she is actually trying to kidnap DJ Paulie (Not Without My) Daughter for her sick experiments.
However, Danielle's superiors at Mossad tire of her delay and her incompetency, and they want a guido as soon as possible. It's taken her two years, and she's beginning to get desperate. She'll do anything for a guido. She even goes to Aztec—named after it's very fierce, large, and old tribe of amazonian "warriors"—and threatens to punch either Vinny or DJ Paulie Danger Danger Will Robinson and drag them back to Israel. But they refuse. The jig is up for Danielle is and she is ruined.
As Danielle is leaving Aztec and walking down the deserted roads of Seaside Heights, she walks past an especially dark alley. "Danielle!" someone yells from the shadows. Danielle stops and puts her hand on the pistol that's in her purse. A trained special agent, she is prepared for any situation (but not The Situation). "Who is it?" she asks.
"There's no need for weapons," the woman says. A cigarette glows red in one hand and she lets out a plume of smoke as Danielle notices she's cradling something in her other arm, something with two red, glowing dots on its head. "I think we can come to an understanding. I think we want the same thing," she says as she steps forward.
"Who are you?" Danielle asks again. "How do you know what I want."
"It's pretty obvious," she says. "And trust me, I'm on your side." She keeps walking forward into the slanted cone of light from the streetlamps, and the shadows start to fall away as the light hits her enormous fake breasts, her cheap lace top, and, finally, the Duck Phone, its eyes blinking.
"JWOWW! But why?"
"Shh...I've been gone for awhile now and I should get back. But we need to talk about some things." She joins Danielle and they start walking in the same direction, their heels thudding on the pavement, as a quicker noise rises in the dense night air. It sounds like laughing and quacking at the same time, but it is definitely the sound of danger.