HIV testing! Fish eyes! Menthol guidelines! Dukan diet! Smoke cancer! Radiation risks! Fat marathon! Fecal stories! And wanton overconsumption of the devil salt! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—leaving you no choice in the matter!

  • The CDC wants organ donors to get tested for HIV, on account of how people can get HIV like that. Seems like a good idea. It does.
  • Eating fish will help you "ward off" eye disease. But it does nothing to "ward off" piranhas, enraged at your butchering of their fellow fish, swimming directly at your eyeballs, ravenous for their disease-free succulence.
  • An FDA panel that is maybe just a wee bit, somewhat, not completely disfavorable to big tobacco, said that yes, menthol cigarettes are bad for people, but stopped short of saying they should be taken off the market. They have the freshness in the taste! Consider that!
  • The Dukan Diet: stupid or awesome? I say stupid.
  • Suck on this, health nuts: smoke-free environments have been linked to breast cancer! Where's your righteous lecturing now, anti-cigarette zealots? Oh—smoke-free environments promote make you less likely to get breast cancer. Well, still.
  • Everyone's still talking about all the bad things radiation can do to you. What is this, three days ago? Get over it already.
  • A fat man wants to run the L.A. marathon. Ahahahahah! Hahahaha! Haha.
  • Did you know they let stories about "fecal incontinence" show up right there in Google News, where any child could read them? Well, they do.
  • Most New Yorkers eat twice as much salt as they should. God. Damn. It. God damn it. Goddamit. Do you people ever listen? Ever? Or just sit in your own little world made of "seasoning salt" packets? I asked you a question.

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