New York's most obnoxious homosexuals, Dustin and Jayden, sure have been busy since last week, and boy do they have a lot of current events to discuss. Here's what we overheard them talking about this afternoon.
"Girl, wake up! Wake up!"
"Huh? What's going on?"
"You have to get up, there's an emergency! Why are you still sleeping"
"I'm in recovery."
"For what? I know you can't afford a tummy tuck."
"No, girl, from the Black Party."
"That shit was Saturday night!"
"I know, but I had an adventure girl."
"What happened to you? I left at 7, but I couldn't find you after we watched that porn star pissing all over that guy on stage."
"Well, we were watching the two dudes fuck in the middle of the air over the dance floor."
"Which, for the record, I want to say one again—Werq!"
"Yes. Werq!" (SNAPS) "But then we went into the back room and I lost you. Some daddy grabbed me and put a dog mask over my head and then lead me around on a leash all night."
"That sounds crazy."
"It was. But he was hot."
"And I must have done a bad hit of poppers or something, because the next thing I know Jason and Jason..."
"The one's from the gym?"
"No, the one's we met at that underwear party, they're hauling me out of the club and I'm completely naked except for the jock strap around my neck."
"Girl, you are a mess."
"I know. But it was fierce. Anyway, what's the emergency."
"What about her?"
"She punched a motherfucking window after freaking out on Good Morning America."
"His new girlfriend is named Window? What is she? A tranny?"
"No, he punched a real window!"
"Now that is a mess. Let's go see the window!"
"Fuck the window, apparently she was wandering around Times Square all shirtless."
"What about pantsless?"
"With what she's packin' that is assault with a deadly weapon. She's like a dick terrorist."
"I saw something and I'm going to say something: his dick is fierce."
"You won't be saying that when she punches you in the head." (SNAPS!)
"Truth. Poor Chris Brown. Her career is done."
"Done. She just can't learn a lesson."
"She's like Vanessa Hudges!"
"What, she does she need to learn? That her ex-boyfriend is a homosexual."
"Well, duh. And to stop taking pictures of her vagina!. I mean, this is like the third time we've had to look at her all naked."
"And this time she's all spreading it out and working it."
"Oh, that's so cute. You saw your first vagina!"
"Once was more than enough, lady! But not for Miss Vanessa. After the first time her pussy came out, wouldn't she, you know, stop taking pictures of it so there wouldn't be any more to find."
"Why do bitches still care. I mean, once you've seen one vagina you've seen them all, right? Don't they all look the same."
"I guess. I don't know. But people like the vadge."
"Straight boys, I guess? I don't know."
"Please, you know more vaginas than you know straight boys."
"Truth. But you know what I do know?"
"It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday..."
"Oh, girl, that is my Jam! I heard it the other night at Industry."
"It is one seriously hot jam. I love me some Rebecca Black. She's like the new Gaga. I'm talking to her producers for my single."
"What the fuck you talking about? Your single? You mean the thing you put in a gogo boy's jock?"
"Har har. I signed up with Ark Music Factory and my first single is ready to drop, girl."
"What the fuck is your single."
"It's called 'Lube.'"
"Queen, your single is called 'Lube?'"
"Yes, it's going to be a hit. (singing) Lube, lube, lube. You can't do nothing without lube. Makin' a video, puttin' it on YouTube. Just so I can get me some more lube, lube, lube. Can't do nothing without lube. Come on over, get real nude. And then pass me that lube, lube, lube..."
"That is the absolute stupidest thing I ever heard."
"Girl, just wait. It is going to blow up. I'm going to be as big as Rebecca Black."
"You ain't gonna be shit. You can't even sing as well as a 13-year-old girl."
"You better be careful, cause I'm about to go all Chris Brown on your ass..."
Previously: Gays Discuss the News: Tsunami and Sheen Edition
[Illustration by David Gilmore]