Headaches: How Soon Will They Kill You?

Sex dissatisfaction! Child car seats! Deadly headaches! Chronic fatigue! Radiation safety! Male facelifts! Fitness myths! Poison prevention! Trauma survival! And a hot new lupus update! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with head-splitting authority!

  • What with all the dissatisfaction over sex, "Couples need to talk about the frequency of sex," according to a fancy doctor. Girl let's talk about it and talk about it and talk about it.
  • Experts say you should turn your kid's car seat around facing backwards until they're two, or they'll nag your fucking ear off from the back seat.
  • Do you get headaches every day? The overwhelming probability is that you have a deadly inoperable brain tumor. But also you can try less coffee and more sleep, maybe that will take your mind off it.
  • What is it with chronic fatigue syndrome? It's hard to get lots of money for research when all you sufferers are always so down in the dumps. Razz! Pizzazz! That's what we need!
  • Radiation is a natural part of our world. It's really nothing to worry about. I certainly wouldn't get myself worked up over it. I wouldn't get hectic over the issue. I definitely wouldn't panic about it. There's no reason to stress yourself over it. I'd be very copacetic about it, personally. Nothing about it would make me worried. I'd go easy on the nervousness. It shouldn't be a cause of concern. I'd just not think about it. Or not very much, at least. Just forget it.
  • Guess what, more men are getting plastic surgery than ever before. I blame Adam West.
  • The top ten fitness myths have been REVEALED!! The number one myth: eating ten Dominos™ Pasta Bread Bowls for breakfast every day will get you fit. Not so!
  • It's National Poison Prevention Week. Wait—you already took poison this week? Haha, well my face is red. (From poison, coincidentally.)
  • Trauma patients have higher survival rates if they go in the hospital on the weekends. The weekday shifts are when most of your murderous doctors like to work.
  • In our March 10 Health Watch column, we reported that "Cancer Makes Lupus Look Like Such a Wuss." The following week, we received a very serious and lengthy email from a spokesperson at the Lupus Foundation of America stating "I am disappointed and shocked at your lack of understanding of how devastating this potentially fatal disease can be." (Not making this story up.) First, we would like to express our thanks to the Lupus Foundation of America for its tacit acknowledgment that Gawker Health Watch continues to be America's foremost respected source for lupus news. Suck it, Science Daily. Secondly, we would like to qualify our March 10 statement that we would "not believe" someone who told us that they had lupus, because "It seems very unlikely." At the time of that writing, we had assumed that lupus was a disease communicable only through the consumption of infected Froot Loops. What with the modern advances in food safety, it simply seemed beyond belief. We now understand that this is not the case—in fact, lupus has nothing whatsoever to do with Froot Loops. That was not an entirely "scientific" analysis on our part, and for that, we apologize. Lupus is indeed a very real and very devastating disease. I mean, it's no cancer. But still.

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