Back in January, MTV released several gormless and repellent teenagers onto an unwitting Baltimore suburb in an experiment called Skins. What would happen? Would the teens run rampant? Would they organize? Would they produce a whole generation of dead-eyed youths who do nothing but give each other handjobs while high on club drugs? Last night, the Skins study came to a close, finally giving us the shocking results that we've been long awaiting.
Just kidding, you guys. We can say a lot of (terrible) things about season one of AmeriSkins, but calling it shocking isn't one of them. Sure, "shocking" is what the show was going for since the very beginning with its "Teens are sexy. Deal with it, GRANDMAS" billboards and subway posters, but, in the end, all Skins proved is that teens are in no way sexy. If anything, watching these awful children rub against each other and pretend to be drunk only made me more thankful that my teens are over.
Enough of that. Let's get recappin.'
Last we saw, the Skins kids were all over the place. Some hate each other. Others are in love, but can't admit it. Then there are those who can't decide between the two. HORMONES, am I right, y'all? The one thing that's certain is everyone hates Tony because they've finally come to realize what a manipulative and monotone douchebag he is. The one person who hasn't turned her back on him completely is Eura, his mute younger sister whose purpose, I think, is to humanize him by showing that he can care about someone beside himself. Unfortunately, she's equally unlikable, so all her presence really does is compound how awful Tony's entire family is.
Anyway, Eura takes it upon herself to fix the group's problems by reuniting Tony and Michelle. She does so by giving Michelle a love letter written by Tony only- whoops- it was actually written for Tea, the lesbian who Tony made sweet hetero love on. Turns out that it's her who Tony has been pining away for, despite Tea's reassurances that she, in fact, still likes the ladiez.
It looks like things will never be settled within our neon-clad band of savages when Eura goes missing and Tony starts getting threatening text messages that read things like, "cum and git her" and "no police or I put her in the harbor." Driven by desperation, he goes to Stanley and begs for help. Though hesitant at first, Stanley acquiesces when he learns that Eura is in danger (you don't write "cum" unless you're really serious).
Because the two boys can't do it all on their own, Stanley rounds up the rest of the group, putting them all together for the first time since things fell apart. Tea and Michelle are arguing when they receive another text clue (sending text clues is a very cool, very normal thing for a kidnapper to do, by the way), which reminds them of the task at hand. This clue directs them to a 24-hour rave warehouse where a concert is fully raging despite it being 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Projected on the screen behind the band are images of Eura moving provocatively (gross). Trying to find her in the crowd, Tony panics and ends up sobbing, though no real tears come out (probably because he's too good of an actor). The moment is emotionally raw, exposing a side of Tony that no one has ever seen before (LOL).
Meanwhile, Stanley takes his quest for Eura backstage where he finds her waiting patiently and, for the first time all season, talking. Turns out that she faked the whole kidnapping so that Tony & Co. would come together and heal. First of all, that is such a fucked up thing to do and Eura should probably get sent to a mental hospital/shitty person jail immediately. Secondly, she had help! Cadie, the girl who Stanley is maybe in like with, helped her organize the whole thing so that Stanley can finally let go and be crazy with her (what?). He responds to this by a.) letting everyone know that Eura is okay and b.) crashing the stage to sing Tears for Fears' "Shout." Teens love Tears for Fears so, obviously this was a hit for the whole warehouse. Cadie joins him on stage as backup and the editing department goes crazy with spilt screens (teens' love of split screens is second only to their love of Tears for Fears).
Having watched him sing a duet with Cadie, Michelle realizes that it's Stanley she wants and not Tony (ugh, why do they have so many names?). This is okay because Cadie whispers goodbye to Stanley before stage diving into the crowd and being carried away forever? Or something? Regardless, Stanley and Michelle end up making out on his front porch and no one is mad at each other anymore, not even at shit-head Eura. For now, all is peaceful in Skinsland, which seems unfair considering what writing this recap did to my brain.