Is it Wednesday already? My how time flies for the Queen of Weave and her loyal subjects. Oh let's begin, shall we.

Now, there exists in this world an alphabet soup of Mean Girl. The sub-species of this category are so numerous it would take days to explore them all, so for the sake of our insanity this discussion,we will only be examining two kinds: the Bully and the Regina. In La Chateau, the Bully is Alexandria and the Regina is everyone else, spearheaded by Monique. But more on this in a moment.

For the most part, everything is the same in this sweet paradise the ladies live in. Molly's weave continues to be an atrocious blight on humanity, everyone still hates Alexandria, and Baby Jacquie is still the most precious and confusing girl-woman to grace the air waves since Big Jacquie flew in from New Jersey all those years ago. Some Tyrannical mail comes percolating through the mystical crystal ball in the hallways, bringing nonsensical news about solidifying their foundation or whatever. And do they ever! (they don't). The girls are divided into groups of three to shoot some web series for Cover Girl because this is a modern show and the Internet is now! It's kind of funny actually. McKaela drops the ol' F-bomb one too many times for Ladybird Jay's downy ears, and Monique keeps calling Alexandria a bitch. Good times for everyone.


But there is something dark and unsettling about what's happening here. Until now, though I've seen it many times before, I didn't even recognize the great beast in looming my midst. At first, it seemed Alexandria was the truly awful one around. But boy was I wrong. Such is the power of the Regina- she is sneaky, deftly scuttling through the cold corridors of low self-esteem waiting to isolate and attack her victim. Suddenly, it's all become very clear. Alexandria is heartbreakingly alone in a phone booth talking to her cute boyfriend who says things like, "I love you to pieces," while ALL of the girls- every single one- are in the living room cuddling and cackling about how awful Alexandria is. Nothing says solidarity like a singled out pretty girl.

So of course Monique decides she absolutely MUST know how Alexandria feels about them all. This is imperative, she solemnly informs the group. No matter what happens to me, you must find out what she thinks about all of us even though she is totally alone. That is your mission. So Monique runs into Alexandria's room (their room, they're roommates. Ugh, awful) and starts reading her diary. And guess what guys? The only thing it contains are circled tear marks and things like, "why am I so alone?" Whoops! Common mistake, right? Awful. I'm suddenly and confusingly on Team Alexandria (but I hate it here too! Our only hope is Brittani and Baby Jackolantern).


So the girls must do something that has never been done or said on ANTM in the history of ever: they must walk on The Wild Side! Yes, this is an animal-themed shoot. Does anyone feel like they're in Groundhog's Day and Billy Murray is being played by Tyranna? Anyway, the girls pose with this cute little jaguar in Rachel Zoe's faux fur line. Yes, Rachel Zoe! Unfortunately, Rachel wasn't too ah-mazing this episode, but we're thankful for the brief cameo.

Rachel does however, have the opportunity to call Kasia cheap. Or, er, inexpensive was actually the term she used. Oh Rachel Zoe, that baby inside you is going to be so expensive, don't you fret! But so Brittani and Hannah (Hannah wins) do the best because of course they do. They are the delicate angels of the contest and they deserve to go neck in neck with each other at the end. Sadly, another favorite of mine was sent home. Lovely and elegant Dalya just couldn't cut it – her face is wearing her or something?- and she is axed. Ah well, Tyrain knows best. Unless she's talking about weaves.

The Tyra Quotes from this episode:

  • "Her hand looks a lil freaky deaky."
  • "Grab onto the handlebars of fierceness."
  • "I'm Queen of the Bad Weaves."
  • "Her face bones are wearing her."
  • "I'm turnin into a Jamaican mon, and I don't know why."