Meet the Republicans' Devastating Triple Threat: 'The Joe's'

Move out of the way, "Young Guns." A considerably more important three-person clique has emerged in the ranks of America's top Republicans. They are called "The Joe's" — don't know what's going on with that apostrophe, but okay — and they're headlining what they themselves have termed the "Political Event of the Year," a.k.a. any Tea Party fundraiser.

The Joes ("Joe's") are:

  • Joe Miller: A one-time lock to win one of Alaska' Senate seats, he eventually lost his 2010 race a write-in candidate. That's how badly he screwed up, by arresting reporters with private security guards and lying about using government computers for political purposes and 10,000 other little things. Now he's a common bum, which is good enough to earn him a spot in The Joe's forever.
  • "Joe the Plumber": Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher is the guy who talked to Barack Obama on the 2008 campaign trail about not wanting his hypothetical rich-person marginal tax rates raised, if he ever were to become a rich person, which he won't. No one cares about him. And that's why he, too, deserves a spot in The Joe's.
  • Sheriff Joe Arpaio: The Maricopa County, Arizona sheriff — last seen riding tanks with Steven Seagal en route to the arrest of a sleeping, unarmed man — is, sadly, the only Joe who can hold a steady job. He racially profiles all Hispanics in his jurisdiction and then puts them in pink underwear in tent camps, which makes for moderately successful reality teevee runs. He was born to lead The Joe's.

The Joe's will perform at this California fundraiser tonight. Sharron Angle, a special honorary Joe, will also attend. Top donors get to join them for a VIP Dinner beforehand, so remember to bring condoms.