Lindsay Lohan drops her last name while the other Lohans change theirs. Chris Brown's publicist leaves him. In Touch documents Jennifer Aniston's "worst date ever." It's time for TGIFriday gossip.
- Dina Lohan says she, Lindsay, and Ali are all dropping the name "Lohan" in an attempt to separate themselves from America's worst father Michael Lohan: "Lindsay is dropping the Lohan and just going by Lindsay. Plus, me and Ali will be officially changing our last names back to my maiden name, Sullivan."
However! Unlike one-name celebrities Oprah and Beyonce, Lindsay's non-Lohan name is really common, so now everyone will have to say, "Lindsay, who used to be a Lohan until she realized how much she hates her dad." Dina and Ali are famous solely for being Lohans, so they will get, "Ali Sullivan, who used to be a Lohan because her parents are Michael Lohan and Dina Sullivan, who also used to be a Lohan." Lindsay's brother Michael Lohan Jr. changed his name last month, but he had the exact same name as his dad and isn't seeking fame, so his new name made more sense. [Popeater, image via Getty]
- Chris Brown and his publicist "have decided to end their relationship." But is he firing her for approving GMA's questions about Rihanna, or she quitting because she's sick of working for a violent maniac? The latter of which would be impressive, because Tammy Brook's clientele includes Mike Tyson. [P6, Radar]
- Russell Simmons on Chris Brown's window-busting rage: "Chris is suffering from the same thing that almost every young star has gone through, including the Disney kids. Having lost control, some of these young artists, sometimes, do an unspeakable thing at a moment in time. And they pay the price." The terrible price of putting out a bestselling album and immediately being invited back to Good Morning America. [GlobalGrind]
- In Touch documents Jennifer Aniston's "worst date ever": "'It was supposed to be just drinks, but he ordered a full meal,' says the eyewitness. Then, after subjecting her to a battery of questions about Brad and Angie, 'when the bill came, he wanted to know if they should split it!'" And then he called her pet cat a slut, and Jen ducked her head, muffled a sob, and ran to the bathroom to cry her heart out. Now this gorgeous, rich, A-list celebrity will be forced to settle for the life of a lonely spinster, covered in cat hair and eating chunky peanut butter from the jar with a spoon, as though it is ice cream. Poor Jen. So sad. Nobody understands her like Mr. Boots does. [InTouch via Celebitchy]
- Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson won't stop going to restaurants and "groping" each other, leading to gross metaphors like this: "RAVENOUS SEAN PENN SELECTS SCRUMPTIOUS SCARJO FOR DESSERT." Halfway through their most recent grabass dinner, Sean got sick of everyone staring at them, and paid a group of girls sitting in a discreet corner booth to trade tables with them. [Enquirer]
- Apparently Liz Taylor told writer Kevin Sessums that James Dean was a victim of childhood molestation: "I loved Jimmy. I'm going to tell you something, but it's off the record until I die. OK? When Jimmy was 11 and his mother passed away, he began to be molested by his minister." Late to her own funeral and dropping bombshells postmortem: The old broad could really work a spotlight. Sessums' interviews tend to be somewhat unhinged (greatest hits: fighting with Kevin Spacey over his sexuality, asking Michelle Williams how her vagina tastes) but revelations like this are, I guess, why he's still in business. [DailyBeast]
- Speaking of Liz Taylor, her casket cost $11,000. [TMZ]
- The Situation's excuse for bombing at Comedy Central's roast of Donald Trump: He did not write his own jokes. "Nine our of ten people that were there, they had their own work… [the show's organizers] had a script for me, I had a couple hours to learn it." I always assumed the big-name non-comedians didn't write their jokes, but now I'm curious whether they have any influence over what they say. Do they even try to come up a joke or two before they get there? Or do they just walk in and read whatever gets handed to them? [Radar]
- Is Justin Bieber two-timing Selena Gomez? "Justin's become so famous so quickly that now he's not content to settle for just one girl. While he and Selena were together for the February premiere of Never Say Never, he was secretly sending romantic text messages to Jasmine [Villegas]," the girl he kisses in the music video for "Baby." Between Jasmine and Selena, does Bieber have a "type"? [Enquirer]
- Finally, the investigation into Lindsay Not-Lohan's alleged attack on a Betty Ford Center employee (who went on to break medical privacy laws and sell information about Lindsay to the press) is ongoing. Investigators are still interviewing witnesses, but it's not clear whether they'll name Dawn or Lindsay as the "aggressor." [TMZ]