The Royal Wedding Cake Is Gross

  • Royal wedding news! The official cake for Kate and William's wedding has been revealed, and it is… "a multi-tiered, traditional fruitcake"? As we speak, the cake is "maturing," because you apparently don't bake a fruitcake as much as ferment it. There will be a bunch of "3-D scrollwork, flowers, leaves and other decorative touches," on it, but, ew, England. It's bad enough at Christmas, but the Most Important Wedding of All Time is going to have a fruitcake? Look at the official royal baker, Fiona Cairns, mixing the cake above. GROSS. Oh, but don't worry there's also going to be a "chocolate-cookie cake". A chocolate cookie cake? Is this a spectacular royal wedding or an insurance office goodbye party? The main course at dinner will be canned beans slopped on paper plates with a ladle. [People]
  • The school for girls Madonna funded in Malawi has failed spectacularly due to the incompetence of its management. Will Madge now fly to Malawi and scoop up all the little girls in her famously toned arms? No, but her charity, Raising Malawi, is "examining its legal options." [P6]
  • Reese Witherspoon got married to entertainment agent Jim Toth on Saturday. Guests included Renee Zellweger, Salma Hayek, Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson. Oh, Jesus, Sean and Scarlett are going to weddings together now? Meanwhile, Reese's ex Ryan Phillippe was hanging out with his girlfriend Amanda Seyfried at a resort "surprisingly close" to where Reese and Jim got married. Obviously he was trying to stage a cutesy romcom-type intervention and win Reese back. [People, Daily Mail]
  • Lindsay "Lindsay" Lohan is considering some movie roles even though she could go to jail for robbing that jewelry store. One of the parts she's looking at is "Marilyn Monroe's spirit," but the Post doesn't say in which movie. This seems like just a hallucination sparked in Lindsay's mind by a massive overdose of kombucha. [P6]
  • Rapper Nate Dogg's funeral was attended by a bunch of hip hop heavyweights, including Warren G and Snoop Dogg [E!]
  • Mariah Carey thought she was gonna have her baby twins this weekend and even showed up at the hospital. But it was a false alarm, she tweeted: " "They almost came on 3/27- happy anniversary in deed!!! We have a few more weeks 2 go but- wow!!!: )" [People]
  • While in New York City, producers on the Kardashians' reality show are trying to make clubs sign a confidentiality agreement that stipulates a $1,000,000 fine if they leak any information to the press. This is insane, since any information leaked about the Kardashians would be worth, at most, $59.99. The Kardashians should try partying in North Korea if they're so concerned about this. We hear they're real good about not leaking information to the press. [TMZ]
  • Here is video of Britney Spears crawling around on stage in Las Vegas wearing a leather leotard during her "secret" show Saturday, which had just been announced on Friday. The fact that she staged her big return to performance in Las Vegas is ominous: Isn't Vegas where celebrities go when they die? [TMZ]
  • [Image via Getty]