Skimpy Kids Sucker Punched by Wimpy Kid

This week's box office battle wasn't supposed to be much of a battle at all. Zack Snyder's CGI crapfest was to sweep the land with its babydoll gunstresses and no one would stop it. But Holllywood is a place built of surprises...

1) Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules — $24.4M
Rodrick really does rule! In a surprise upset, this little — well, "little" might not be fair, as it was the sequel to a successful first film — kids movie charged into the lead on Saturday and didn't look back. So, word of warning, expect Rodrick to have quite the attitude around the house for a while. Strutting downstairs for school five minutes before the bus like he's invincible. Staying up late watching TV even though he's not supposed to be watching after 10pm. Locking the door to his bedroom for what feels like hours on end and not opening it no matter how many times you knock. Basically doing the same thing in the bathroom, only with more pained yells of "Someone's in here!!," and eventually emerging with a crumpled Sucker Punch poster in his hand. You know, cocky teen stuff. Watch out, Wimpy Kid. You're in trouble. Though you should be proud of yourself too, Wimp. You had a hand in this. And so did you, Rachael Harris. And you too, sad Steve Zahn. Everyone give yourselves a round of applause. Yup, just keep clapping and clapping, oblivious to the fact that that little jerk Rodrick has just driven off with the car even though he only has his learner's permit.

2) Sucker Punch — $19M
Ooops. Zack Snyder's lowest debut so far (if you don't count Ga'Hoooooole of course), Sucker Punch basically sucks. Everyone hates it, it's misogynistic in the worst way (while claiming it's female empowering), it looks gross and makes no sense. Stupid movie. Everyone's dumb. Poor Jamie Chung! Jamie Chung is the Real World: San Diego cast member who has a part as one of the sex dolls and this was to be her big legitimate debut. And... kerthunk. She has some movie with Joseph Gordon-Levitt coming up, so maybe that will do the trick. Sucker Punch. Guh. What a movie! Do you think this is one of the last movies that Vanessa Hudgens will ever be in? She's got another one coming up called Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, which is a sequel of sorts to the Brendan Fraser 3D disaster Journey to the Center of the Earth, this one starring The "Dwayne Johnson" Rock and maybe Kristin Davis, so... that ought to be huge? So between that, Sucker Punch, and the fittingly titled Beastly, might the engine be sputtering and slowing? Who knows. Really, let's just hope they never let Zack Snyder make another movie with green screens ever again. Dawn of the Dead was good because it was mostly actual objects and people. Nothing else of his has been good because it's all been the opposite. Get rid of the green screens, Zacky boy!

3) Limitless — $15M
Last week I kept calling this movie Unlimited, because my brain was clogged with sickness (I took the rest of the day off after limping through this post) and I don't really see the difference between Limitless and Unlimited. Is there a difference? Is there a reason why they chose one title over the other? I mean, there must have been meetings, right? I guess in the end Unlimited sounds a bit too Britishy corporate? Whatever the reason, I'm sorry for the grievous error. I got not one but two very self-satisfied emails from a person who was thrilled to point out the mistake and then to point out that the mistake hadn't been fixed. So here is my mea culpa, dear reader! I lay myself on the altar of forgiveness and ask that you make the throat slitting quick. I will never forget that the movie is, in fact, called Unlimited ever again. It is Unlimited, right? That's the name of the movie. Unlimited, starring Brantley Copper and Al Pacino. (This whole paragraph is testament to how very much nothing there is to say about the actual movie Unlimited. Other than that it had a very small drop, about 20% about. So, good for Without Limits I guess.)

4) The Lincoln Lawyer — $11M
Like Limit-Free above it, The Mercury Doctor saw only a very slight drop from last week to this one. Which is a good sign! Matthew McConaughey can breathe a sigh of relief. Wait, what am I saying? Matthew McConaughey has never been worried about anything, ever. He has never held his breath from anxiety. That is ridiculous. Matthew McConaughey can breathe a sigh of weed as he plays the bongos under some palapa somewhere before getting back on his sailing yacht, the S.S. I'm Rich and That's All Right, Brutha. That's exactly what Matthew McConaughey can and will do upon hearing about the steady success of his latest film. It's pretty hard being Matthew McConaughey, lemme tell you.

35) Miral — $65,000
Julian Schnabel's latest film has been the subject of ridiculous protest, with various Jewish and Israeli groups saying that it's unfair that the movie focuses solely on Palestinians. Yes, because there are all those Palestinian movies coming out what feels like every week, so this one really feels gratuitous. It's just totally unfair and unbalanced. When will we finally hear the constantly silenced Israeli perspective on this issue?? It really is unfair that this movie, and so many other Palestinian-focused movies, exist. Politics aside, I'm just so tired of them. Too many, guys! Slow it down, Ramallahwood!