Real Housewives of Miami: The Insects

Last night was, thankfully, the finale of this short trip to Miami. Well, short is relative! Though it was only six episodes, it felt like much, much more, didn't it? It's been quite a journey. Let's see where we ended up, eh?

Oh good grief, right? Just good grief and oh brother. Thank god these ancient howler monkeys will not bother us again, possibly forever. And what did they leave us with? Not a whole hell of a lot.

The big thing this episode was that Larsa was mad at Marysol's mother. You remember Marysol's mother Elsa, right? No? Makes sense. She's pretty forgettable. Yeah, I mean if you've seen one enormous irradiated wine-slurping toadwoman you've seen 'em all, I guess. Well anyway, Marysol decided that she was going to have a fancy dinner party for all the goils because she hadn't had a party yet (this season cheaply devolved into an event-of-the-week type thing in which they all had luncheons or parties or whatever and tried to one-up each other — I think the only one who didn't have a party was Cristy, mostly because she's homeless?) so she told everyone there was going to be a fancy cooking demonstration and that her mother would be there. So everyone showed up and then two things happened: first Larsa was all curious about Elsa because she heard that she was a psychic. (She heard slightly wrong. Elsa is actually what the Toadpeople call a Swampseer.) So she prodded Elsa about her life and Elsa, I think sensing that Larsa is annoying and all high on her horse about everything, was like "Joo haff man trohbles. Joo worry veddy mush aboww a man." And Larsa was like "Nuh unh!!! Nuh unh whatever!! I'm good, I'm fine!!!" And Elsa, seeing that she was getting a rise out of Larsa, continued to make horrible prognostications of doom and gloom and poverty. This made Larsa really upset, even though she said she doesn't believe in psychics, because it's just so not right! She kept telling us, insisting to us, that she's the most stable one of the group! She's married and has kids and isn't divorced or whatever. But I don't know. I don't know if the most stable person spends any time yelling at strangers that they're stable, y'know? I just don't think the actual most stable person does that. You know what the most stable person does? Plays little jokes at the expense of ninnies at a dinner party. Guys, the most stable person at that dinner was Elsa. Think about that.

I mean, not that Elsa wasn't being really rude and not that Marysol shouldn't have put a stop to it. Like, totally it went on way too long and Marysol is a weird dummy for not speaking up and telling her mother to knock it off. But still, I wasn't buying Larsa's whole "I'm perfect!" squealing. Perfect people don't squeal. It's just not something they do. So that was one thing that happened. The other thing that happened was that Marysol was like "OK! Gather 'round the kitchen counter ladies, Phillipe and I are going to cook for you!" Everyone was excited, hoping to see some real Cuban food fricasseed right in front of their jewel-tone eyes. But that's not what they got. Instead they got Phillipe embarrassingly trying to hawk some food product that he'd invested in. Like, it was so pathetic. He cut open bags and served them the bag food. It was vacuum sealed stuff, like what the Cuban astronauts eat. Everyone was mortified, as they should have been. I mean, Marysol and Phillipe should have said "And then there's one final step..." and hurled themselves through one of the windows and yelled "Voila!" as they fell to the ground. I mean, it was really bad. In the whole Housewives Party Competition, Marysol is automatically disqualified. No.

OK guys. We're at the point where I think I should just write one thing and move on:

Jail.

I mean you guys know what I'm talking about. The middle thing up there in the picture. Yikes. Alexia's son Cocoabean is trying to become a model and so on last night's episode she took him to a modeling agency. Her reasoning for doing so? Well, he apparently injured himself playing football so he can't really play sports anymore, so she wants to find him something that will make him feel good about himself. So she picked modeling. Wait, what? I think of all the professions in the world, modeling is maybe one of the ones that makes you feel the least good about yourself. I mean right, sort of? It was on display right there in the episode. Little Cocoabean was all upset because he'd eaten a lot right before his meeting, so he felt like he had a gut or whatever and was uncomfortable when they asked him to take his shirt off. (Jail jail jail jail jail jail jail. Sorry just doing some negative reinforcement.) He was all self-conscious and Alexia was like "That's why I didn't model, because I like to eat." And, um, 1) Right. That's the only reason. Otherwise? Totes model. Totes. And 2) "I want my son to do something that makes him feel good about himself. And also that makes him miserably anxious about his looks and discourages him from eating. You know. One of those hobbies." Makes sense to me! Poor Cocoabean. I mean, it's only a matter of time, what like two years maybe?, until he auditions for American Idol and gets plucked from obscurity and put right into Ryan Seacrest's melancholy web of sex and ennui. Right? I mean, that's what's going to happen. Or, you know, I've heard, I think someone must have told me at a fancy cocktail party or something, that they make a certain number of a certain kind of films in southern Florida? Yeah, I think, and again this is just what someone told me at an intellectual charity event, that they might make a certain kind of for-grownups-only, specifically for male grownups only, kind of movies in south Florida. I'm no expert! I mean, why would I know that? But yeah. Be careful, Cocoabean, is alls I'm sayin'. Just be careful. Also, it's pretty hot out so you should probably keep your shit off, don't you think? (PRISON.)

Phew. We made it through. I mean, sort of. Towards the end of the episode we went to Cocoabean's graduation party and Alexia read an embarrassing letter to her son aloud and everyone squirmed and we met Coco's little girlfriend, who I do not approve of. Not because I'm a gross old weirdo, but because she did some weird shrug or eyerolly thing at Alexia that I just thought was kind of rude. So whatever. Happy graduation, kid. Go to college. I hear NYU is lots of fun. Yeah, it's just down the street from me, so if you want me to show you around or anything I'd be happy to. Hm, what's that? Yes, yes I suppose I should follow you to the penitentiary, officer. Yeah. This is what happens.

We're done with that. No more! We're actually almost done with this episode. Yup. I don't have much more to say about it. Adriana is gross and has a gross boyfriend who has long stringy hair and in one scene was wearing a lanyard around his neck that had a card on it like he was going to the college rec-plex. Then Adriana did a terrifying strip tease for him and he kept saying "I like this..." and it was creepy. Then they smeared each other with mud for no apparent reason and it was creepier. Speaking of creepy, Marysol talked to Elsa about having kids, because I guess Phillipe wants kids, and Elsa was not happy about it. She figured that she's too old to be a new grandmother. True. Also, and this is just a theory, I know nothing about kids, but I feel like something about Elsa might put little ones off? Does anyone else get that feeling? Like maybe if Elsa, oh I don't know, walked into a nursery school, the children might, gosh who knows, scream and piss themselves forever? Just a guess? (God that's horrible. Sorry. This show brings out the worst in me.)

Um. What else? Anything else guys? In the end Lea had a weird party trick thing where she told everyone to dress fancy for a gourmet chef-cooked meal and she picked them all up in a limo. So they were very excited! But then she drove them out to the Everglades and shot them all and let the alligators eat their remains. It was actually the beginning of a really good Elmore Leonard novel. Ha, no. No no no. She took them out to the terrifying wilds of inland Florida (Florida is: a hard outer shell of old people with a creamy filling of insane people) where there was an organic farm. This is where they were going to eat! It was hot and buggy and they had to walk ten feet in their high heels and they were all so miserable. Well, not Lea. She just laughed and laughed because she's a weirdo. Waiting for them in a gazebo in the middle of the underbrush was none other than celebrity chef Michelle Bernstein! That was Michelle Bernstein right? I'm pretty sure that's who that was. Well, whoever it was, she made them pick their own vegetables and everything and they were so complainy and swatting at flies and mosquitoes and Lea smiled her weird ancient smile and everyone was, again, miserable. Then more and more insects started creeping into the frame and suddenly they were everywhere and Robin Tunney screamed and screamed and Fairuza Balk came at her with a knife. Oh, wait. No. That's The Craft. Which is a different thing about southern Florida witches and bugs. Sorry.

Nothing remarkable really happened at the lunch except that Larsa indirectly called Elsa a bitch and Marysol got all upset and it was like, oh come on Marysol. Elsa is a total bitch! But that's OK. Hell, if there's one time in your life when it's perfectly socially acceptable to be a bitch, it's when you've become a three hundred-year-old toad creature. I mean, at that point, c'mon. Who wouldn't be a bitch? Own it, Marysol! Own it like your mom does. Anyway.

Anyway! Then we got our little updates on everyone and they were mostly trying to be clever rather than informative so who really knows what became of any of these monsters. (We found out through an invitation that this shit was filmed almost a year ago.) Cristy is probably still a wretch. (Apparently she brought all this badness on herself though, as Elsa suggested. Something about her cheating on her husband. Who knows. Who cares. Cristy's a hobo.) Adriana continues to dance sexy. Marysol and Elsa are currently touring the country with their two-woman show "Face/Off: Mom v. Daughter." Larsa has gone to Chicago where, similar to Miami, nobody likes her. Lea died from old age at the age of 92. It was a good death and we're all proud of and grateful for her life. Alexia is off somewhere eating pig, and, fine, I'll just tell you, Cocoabean and I were married last summer in international waters, far out in the Caribbean Sea where we can't hear you puritans clucking your tongues. Deal with it.

At the end of the episode they all took a picture. They all took a picture and Lea yelled "Say 'bugs'!" OK. Let's all point and say it:

Bugs!!!!!