I'll be the first one to admit that Jersey Shore appears to be on its last legs. That is not necessarily an awful thing, as the Ron-Sam argument has almost turned my brain into a fine powder. Even though the show itself seems to be winding down, it managed to secure its highest season finale ratings ever last week, with almost 8 million people accidently tuning in.
In order to combat repeating plot lines and tired characters, the producers of the show decided to leave the beautiful Jersey Shore and go to the motherland. Which apparently is Italy, even for Chilean born Snooki. Not all Italians are welcoming to the people who have embarrassed their culture, and this week a Roman newspaper columnist seriously objected. Roberto del Bove said "They embody the worst stereotypes of
Italians, multiplied by thousands and Americanized". Woah! Slow down there Robby! Don't get America involved in this. They are your problem now.
As much as I bash Jersey Shore, I have probably seen every episode. In fact, when my dad had surgery on his shoulder the past week and was up all night watching T.V., he stumbled upon Jersey Shore in the wee hours of the morning. This excited me, but his reaction was "It was the most horrible thing I've ever seen". He somehow watched another episode after that, once again at 2 A.M., and said the same thing. When I asked him why he watched it twice, he said "Nothing else was on".
Sure nothing else was. Jersey Shore is like polio. Once it enters your bloodstream, you become paralyzed with shock, disgust, and sheer wonder. And it sometimes can stop you from walking.
Back to Italy, I had a few ideas of how this season will turn out. Ten, in fact.
The Situation Distances Himself Completely
Throughout season 3, it became apparent to the seasoned viewer that "The Situation" had become disenchanted with life in the house. I mean, he is almost 30 years old and hanging out with a bunch of 20-somethings. Move on with your life.
Anyway, The Situation kept himself occupied by instigating fights around the house and allowing JWOWW's small rat dogs to take dumps anywhere they please. He was even quoted recently saying:
"Maybe another year or so of reality and then I'm gonna graduate to the movies. It's like Michael Jordan, there's only so long you can keep winning them rings!"
There is obviously a ton wrong with that statement. For starters, gonna is not a word. Secondly, Michael Jordan's post retirement careers turned out horribly, moron. Hitting barely over .200 and drafting Kwame Brown is not exactly ideal. But hey, I am excited for The Situation's first movie role, starring opposite Steven Segal in Waiting 3.
The Situation will spend the entire time in Italy talking to no one and sulking around wearing Ed Hardy sweatpants.
Vinny's Family Gets Sick of Him/Them
Supposedly, Vinny's family will be taking care of the whole gang while they are in Italy. Odds are, they will make the food and clean. You know, things adults should be doing on their own. What is the Jersey Shore cast, 15-year-old foreign exchange students? Just rent another house.
Anyway, Vinny's family will want to give the cast the boot after they clog the toilet within 6 hours, and stay up until 4 in the morning mindlessly blabbering and smoking cheap Italian cigarettes. I am guessing that Vinny's family will become sick of Vinny and the man he has become. Here's to hoping he has fun!
Ronnie Punches Sam
This is not really a hard bet. It is bound to happen sooner or later, and odds are it has happened before and the producers were not allowed to show it. Italy is not exactly a PSA ad when it comes to treating women fairly. Sexual violence was legal until 1996. That's right. If it was 1995, and Ronnie saw that Sammi was cheating on him with Arvin, POW! Totally legal, and a thumbs up from the judge.
Visit a National Monument
This is obvious. One episode will be devoted to a trip in which they see the Leaning Tower of Pisa and
The Roman Coliseum and Rome. Odds are, they will have no idea what any of those things are. That's not an insult to their intelligence. But they have proved to be pretty incompetent when it comes to events outside their diluted world. Snooki once said George W. Bush was "pretty cute for an old man". He's 64, jerk. He is not an old man.
Actually, what am saying. I am insulting their intelligence, if they know what that means.
The Ratings Drop
That should not be that big of a surprise. People are bound to get sick of the show when they realize the show is exactly the same, except that they are now in a foreign country. Plus, people are sure to realize they have wasted weeks of their lives watching this show and become depressed.
JWOWW Becomes a National Legend
I do not mean a legend like say, George Washington. I mean like Godzilla. People in Italy have never seen such an extreme embodiment of American excess. Whether it is the 6 feet of height, the massive breast implants, the mouth of a budding George Carlin, the willingness to fight anything that sneezes improperly and the over-the-top self-confidence and arrogance, JWOWW will either become canonized (totally possible, the Vatican is right around the corner) or become the greatest villain since Mussolini.
Not Welcomed By Italy, Adopt Normal Lifestyle
I also find this extremely possible. There is a good chance when they get to Italy, they will soon realize that Italy is not filled up with Ed Hardy wearing juiceheads who value family higher than God Himself. They will realize it is not the land they imagined, where clubs and beautiful women are around every corner and pasta rains down from the heavens. They will realize that some people in Italy do not like the Jersey Shore cast, as it portrays Italy in a negative life.
We could very well see adverse reactions from the cast, and a reassessment of how important Italy should be in their lives. We could see Ronnie become an accountant. Which of course depends on whether he can count or not.
Pauly D Becomes Italy's Favorite DJ
Italy loves that crap. And by crap, I mean crappy club music. Have you ever actually head DJ Pauly D's "mixes". Good God, are they bad. You can hear music dying. Not quickly dying, but dying a slow death of asphyxiation. The Italy clubhoppers will love DJ Pauly D, as the DJ version of Pauly D actually embodies certain parts of Italy. I know this for a fact.
Participate In a Soccer Game
Italy loves soccer. So chances are that the cast will find themselves in a pickup game with either Vinny's family or the local schoolchildren. We will also found out the men are horrible at sports, as years of steroid usage and gym over-indulgence has ripped the athletic ability right out of them. Snooki will probably do something "hilarious" (conceived by the producers) like trip over the ball or pick it up.
The Situation looks like he is awful at sports, doesn't he? He just looks like one of those guys with a bodybuilder body but the athleticism of a Catholic schoolgirl.
Snooki Finds the "Perfect Guido"!
Of course she will. She finds one every other freaking episode, and then comes up with some B.S. excuse why he wasn't for her. And it's never that the "perfect guido" was sick of Snooki. God forbid.
Now that they are in Italy, a season-long arc will consist of Snooki looking for the perfect guido in Italy. I really hope she never finds him, and has to settle with a pale, skinny New Yorker. Oh no, I just described myself. Time to move.
This is obviously the last hoorah for the Jersey Shore cast. The cast has "outgrown" the show, and a series of spin-offs has been lined up for the cast. I do not see those spin-offs becoming a "Fraiser", so this is what the cast will really end up doing in the future:
Mike will go off to have a stellar movie career (Ha!), Pauly will do something involving dance music, Vinny will balloon to 300 pounds and make an appearance on Dancing With the Stars to lose weight, Deena will fade into obscurity, Snooki will adopt a cat (then another, and another, and another) JWOWW will finally become the greatest women's wrestler of all-time, and Sammi and Ronnie will break the national record for most domestic disturbances called in by neighbors.