There’s Radiation In Your Milk

Stop! Don't move that Oreo! The Environmental Protection Agency has just announced that trace amount of radioactive iodine have been identified in samples taken from the U.S. milk supply. As vegans everywhere chuckle to themselves smugly, you're probably wondering to yourself—how the hell did that happen?

The radioactive material, called iodine 131, came in winds blown this way from Japan's terrifyingly hobbled Fukushima Daiichi plant, then landed on grass fed upon by our cows, who concentrate it in their milk.

But before you go swearing off dairy forever, the EPA reassures that the amounts measured are 5,000 times lower than FDA "intervention levels"—a mere 0.8 pico-curies per liter. That's barely a single pico-curie of deadly radiation per liter, guys. Chug-a-lug! And if your children express reluctance, you can make drinking radioactive milk a little more fun by adding green food coloring and calling it "Superhero Serum." Works every time.