With eight girls to go and the competition halfway over, things are getting messy.

Professor Tyranimal surprises the girls with a little school lesson in archetyping and autographing. As you know, all America's Next Top Model winners have gone on to supermodel status, so it's a good thing they're learning about what kind of supermodel they will become and how to act accordingly. Before they can begin however, Molly and her weave have a slight meltdown. What a brat! It's only a weave Molly. It's only an incredibly comfortable, heavy, itchy, and horribly heinous creature perched atop your head where you once had a perfectly natural head of hair. Ah well, the Queen of Weave finally comes to her senses and promises to remove it.


So after the girls finish determining her self-worth based on what kind of model she is, and after she has each practiced writing her own name, they have one final lesson in Starness. They must practice interacting with other humans. How pedestrian. Of course Baby Jacqs (who is quickly becoming my favorite favorite rather than my funny favorite) is not afraid of stardom because she loves kids? And if there is one things kids love it is C-list models struggling to make it in the world of high fashion fresh off a reality television show. Kids. Anyway, they're signing all these autographs when Stuart Pervington swoops over to Monique and is all, "websites! Do you want websites because I've got me some websites," and MoMo, who has seen Fame, wants nothing to so with any of his websites.

Monique. Speaking of archetyping, as we discussed last week Monique is the Regina of Mean Girl. Yeesh is she ever. After the swift proverbial castration of Stuart Pervington, she pimps out pawns off Alexandria. And again, while Alexandria is a poisonous snake of a different kind, we womens belong to the same secret society of lady and that is just a strange thing to do to a person. Lady Jaybird, who has been trying since birth to get into this exclusive vagina club, stands there making faces at the situation and biding his time until GayMNT, Cycle 238. Kasia wins this sham of a competition and boy does she clean up! The grand prize is a real live dinner with Lady Jaybird at PF Chang's! At dinner he offers up pearls of wisdom like, "sticks and stones may break my bones but those words make me wealthy" and other tricks of the trade. All of Kasia's dreams have come true with a single compliment of a young boy's pageboy cap.


Then a bunch of other things happen: they eat lettuce wraps at PF Chang's, Monique is mean, Alexandria is mean, Baby Jacqs is adorbs, and Molly gets that disgusting critter declawed and removed from her head. Before we know it, it's time for the next challenge! In the showdown of all showdowns, Brunettes vs. Blondes, the girls must touch each other in a fashiony way while caked in drying mud. Because fashion! Isn't fashion just so fashion?! They all wriggle and writhe around on the floor together while some man speaking his native tongue of Jersey Shore hees and haws at them.

Finally, it is panel time. Tymaniac, foaming at the mouth as per usual in anticipation of a slaughter, is in top form as she calls the girls down one by one to discuss their photos. In the end, Brittani (ANTM winner, Cycle 16) wins best picture with Kasia as runner-up. Nigel makes a few half-assed attempts to conceal his boner for Molly ("she is a truly attractive girl") and the judges bag on Alexandria's weird tassel outfit. Thank the lawd that beanie with the bow has been banished; I sincerely hope it vanishes from her confessionals as well. McKaela and Monique are left in the bottom two, and unfortunately (not unfortunately) Monique is sent to her grave. Sonia Dara, one of the guest judges, sighs as she presses the button to trigger Tyra's shock collar. "Me....want...young...bloooood" she snarls as Monique bids a tearful farewell to her new best friends.

Tyra Quotes of the Episode:

  • "Hold on to the handle bars of fierceness."
  • "We could see all the boogers and stuff.."
  • "My autograph is a heart with a B, sometimes. Hearts are lame. Do as I say not as I do."
  • "I put myself out there to have roses and darts throw at me."