The NYPD is prepared for Charlie Sheen this weekend. "We have a big police force, we're ready for him," New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly declared earlier today when asked about the actor who's in New York for two live shows at Radio City Music Hall this weekend. But like preventing terrorism or ending the spread of syphilis, we're going to need everyone's help to ensure the situation is contained. Yes, that's right, you're expected to do your part. The police can't handle all of the dangers inherent in Charlie Sheen's visit to the Big Apple. Here are some tips on what you can do to help.
- Sheen is staying at the Trump International Hotel in Midtown. If you see a woman with bleached blond hair, fake breasts, and manicured nails with some sort of airbrushing on them, she's most likely a cohort of Sheen's. If she appears to be distressed in any way, contact the authorities immediately. Actually, just call the cops no matter what. She's probably up to no good regardless.
- If you accidentally inhale any white powder while Sheen is in town—or come across any suspicious packages that contain a powdery white substance—don't worry. It's not anthrax. Knowing Sheen, it's probably some really good shit.
- If you own a bar, restaurant, or club in Manhattan, remove the bathroom doors. This will prevent Sheen from holing up at your establishment for hours and prevent any porn stars from locking themselves inside.
- Tiger Blood is not a real substance. if you see anyone requesting it or trying to purchase it at a bodega, please detain them until authorities arrive.
Sheen is playing at Radio City Music Hall tonight and Sunday. This will surely attract legions of suckers who paid to watch him ramble for two hours. The suckers, in turn, will attract pickpockets. If you're in Midtown this weekend, keep an eye on your wallet at all times. Or invest in a wallet chain. This will repel petty criminals, but it may also attract jeers and nasty looks from other New Yorkers.