Obama Drops By Lincoln Memorial to Make Sure It's Still Open

Like many of us, President Obama woke up on Saturday morning not completely sure of what had happened the night before—had he averted a government shutdown? "There's only one way to make sure," Ax told him over the phone. "You have to go to the Lincoln Memorial and see if it's open."

So he did. And it was! Open, that is, at least for the time being. Obama shook hands and just made sure that everyone knew that, thanks to Democrats agreeing to screw the poor a little more, and Republicans agreeing to screw women a little less, Americans would still be able to buy astronaut ice cream at the Air and Space Museum. More stuff you can do thanks to the last-minute budget compromise:

  • Get your paycheck, if you're a government employee
  • Bother your local congressperson about the faked moon landing
  • Be depressed that Democrats have essentially ceded the debate over government spending to Republicans, despite no evidence that austerity measures will help the economy and overwhelming evidence that this kind of mass budget-cutting will actively harm it
  • Visit national parks