Chocolate milk! Going inside of your child's body, and doing who knows what to Aedynn's delicate little organs! In our nation's capital, the number one education is this: How chocolatey is too chocolatey?
Nutrition advocates want to ban chocolate milk entirely! Lunch ladies say it makes the kids happy! The kids say chocolate milk is "really awesome!" Scientists are working to change the formula! Pundits are punditing! The Washington Post is writing in-depth stories on the controversy! And the innocent victims caught in the middle of all this posturing: The Corn Refiners Association and the National Dairy Council. When will Big Nutrition stop bullying our nation's food production lobbies into launching expensive lobbying campaigns for their all-American products?
[The] National Dairy Council has launched its Raise Your Hand for Chocolate Milk campaign. "Chocolate milk is the most popular milk choice in schools," according to the campaign's pitch, "and kids will drink less milk and get fewer nutrients if it's taken away."
If we take the chocolate syrup out of our school milk then our children won't drink it and their bones will collapse. Everyone—to the schools! With corn syrup!