Got a Big Wrist? You'll Die Young

Dirty gas! Judge timing! Lying doctors! Space dust! Courage secret! Alcohol brain! Old viruses! Young puberty! And big wrists that kill! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—with petite bone structure, thank you!

  • Natural gas. You think it's so clean? Think again, fucker! God, I've been waiting to say that to those natural gas bastards for so long.
  • A new study says that judges are more likely to issue lenient rulings if you catch them right after lunch. So, everyone on trial, just demand that the judge issue his ruling after lunch, because you're allowed to demand to have a judge do things at whatever specific time you feel like. (Note to self: check this.)
  • While your doctor is telling you to do one thing, meanwhile, when it comes to his own personal treatment, he's probably doing something totally different. That's why experts always say, "Do the opposite of what a doctor says," as they lay on their deathbeds.
  • Now NASA is like hey, let's shoot a big-ass cloud of tungsten dust up into orbit, it'll grab all the "tiny space junk" out there and clear it out like a big-ass Swiffer. My only question for NASA is, how does it feel to be sniffing glue all day?
  • How do you achieve courage? Probably by reading some listicle in Psychology Today, right? Sure.
  • Scientists ask: "Can alcohol help the brain remember?" No.
  • On top of all the new viruses out there, we also have to worry about old viruses, just hanging around and still trying to jump in and cause disease whenever they get a chance. Get a life, old viruses, jeez.
  • Girls are hitting puberty younger than ever these days, and scientists don't even know why. Well I do, and it's because of Justin Bieber.
  • If your fat child has a big wrist, he will die of a heart attack. It's just that simple.
[Photo: Jarrod Trainque/ Flickr ]