The Terrible, Telltale Signs That Spring Has Arrived

T.S. Eliot famously said that April is the cruelest month. He wasn't kidding. Here are the awful, torturous signs that the worst season—spring—has finally arrived.

There are many great signs of spring, like more sunlight, blossoming trees, and warmer weather. But along with that comes a bunch of horrible phenomena that will make you want to shake your fists and say, "Man, I hate spring!"

The Terrible, Telltale Signs That Spring Has ArrivedS

Shitty Weather

When you think of spring, you think of flowers and buzzing bees and sunshine. You know what the weather is mostly like in spring? It's wet and gross and cold and unpredictable. It sucks. And after a shitty winter across the Northeast, all we've had is a couple of mild days to make the endless stretches of bleakness and damp seem even worse. It's like we're living on the set of The Killing or something.

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Allergies

Those April showers will bring May flowers and those flowers will bring pollen and that pollen will aggravate your allergies until you're a red-eyed, snot-nosed, congested mess. Then you'll take a bunch of drugs that will make you feel either keyed up or dumbed down and everything becomes a total waste. At least with a winter cold you know that will be over in a week. Allergies are forever! Welcome to spring—pass the Kleenex.

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Inappropriate Shorts Guy

Yes, you know that guy—and it's almost always a guy—who gets out his awful cargo shorts as soon as the thermometer tops 50 degrees. No, it's not time for shorts yet. Especially because it may be 60 and sunny during the day and then change and get much colder at any minute. Then Inappropriate Shorts Guy will turn into Nasty Goosebumps Legs Guy and we just can't even stand to look at that.

The Terrible, Telltale Signs That Spring Has ArrivedS

Ice Cream Truck Song

Fall and winter are pretty much silent, but the first day when you're walking down the street and you hear "plinkety-plinkety-plink-a-plink-a-plink-a-plink-a-plink-pliiiiinnnnnnkkkk," coming from an ice cream truck that little ditty that you have spent six months trying to scrub from your brain is back. It will be lodged there until well past Labor Day. Just like running into a horrible ex on the street, the first time is always the worst because you simultaneously remember all the horrible memories it conjures up and your freedom from those things up until that very moment of your encounter. And then you want to eat ice cream.

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Bathing Suit Shopping

You've probably been eating ice cream all winter, too, and that means you're going to have to buy a new bathing suit to squeeze your fat ass into. Yes, no matter what you do, you're going to end up wearing some sort of swimwear this summer, and having to go to a store and try one on in front a mirror is a special kind of torture. You will be left with a conundrum: to look bad in a really cute bathing suit, or look decent in a suit that's designed to cover up as much as possible. Yes, you either have to let it all hang out or let everyone know what you're covering up. Either way, you will be judged.

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Bugs

We're not talking cockroaches, which are around all year long and pretty much leave you alone—even though they're still nasty. No, we're talking mosquitoes and crickets and spiders and all those other things that annoy you.

The Terrible, Telltale Signs That Spring Has ArrivedS

Pastels

Like starting a sentence with "but" or "and," pastels can be worn to great effect, but they can also be done horribly wrong. Now that Easter is upon us, everyone's going to be putting on their bonnets, white outfits, and as much pink, mint green, baby blue, and lilac as the human eye can stand. Just be very, very careful out there. Resist the urge to overdo it. Pastel does not match pastel. It's one thing to use lighter shades of colors to highlight an outfit, its another thing to look like a walking baby shower.

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