Last night's installment of Ryan Seacrest's Fantasy Island involved the eight surviving kids yelling at us about movies. Specifically, they sang songs from movies. That was the theme. Only, it was hardly a theme at all.
When you think "Songs From Movies" (Alternately: "Exit Music (From Some Films)"), you think about songs that were written for movies, right? Like Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" from Up Close and Personal. Or Celine Dion's "Beauty and the Beast" from the movie of the same name. Or Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On," from Titangtic. Basically you think of Celine Dion. Or, y'know, like Simon and Garfunkel and plastics or whatever. You think about those things. You do not, then, choose to sing "Bridge Over Troubled Water" and say "Because it was in the movie The Pursuit of Happyness." I'm sorry? Who's in the what now? Haha. The pursuit of- oh good grief. The Pursuit of Happyness. Get out of here. I feel like no one sang a song that was an iconic "Movie Song." Did anyone? I mean, sure "The Climb," everyone knows that was in a movie. OK. But when you hear Boyz II Men's "End of the Road" do you think of awkward first slow dances at seventh grade dances or do you think of the movie Boomerang? Put aside for just a second the fact that you're always thinking about the movie Boomerang. That song does not immediately conjure up thoughts of the movie Boomerang for anyone, I don't think. So everyone failed, basically. Everyone stunk up the stunk.
Nobody. Seriously. Nobody was good. Who was good? OK. I guess we can have a conversation about three people. First, Casey.
Casey sang "Nature Boy," from this cinema classic, and people liked it. It was jazzy and I guess a little snazzy, with that plinky-plunky whisperoo routine he does when he's feeling like a real jazzcat. It started off sooooo terrible, because he was singing about a little boy while making these guttural sex honks and sporting various "There are things that have happened in the back of this van that would frighten even the Devil" facial expressions, but it got better. It smoothed out. It honestly pains my fingers to type this, knowing that he's in the good category, but there was just so little good last night that I guess this is where Casey's jazzcat cool-scat belongs. Sigh. He really needs to can it with those facial expressions, though. If he doesn't I'm going to have no choice but to call the police department in his hometown and tell them to go look in the woods out behind the shopping mall. "Yup. I think you're gonna find a lot of bodies back there. Lotttta tiny bodies."
So that was that. Next up I guess is Haley. Here's my thing about Haley, the curious traveler person who grifted her way into the game: she's gonna blow out her voice, sooner rather than later. I mentioned this last week, but I'm going to mention it again for her sake. Haley, you are not singing correctly and you are going to ruin your voice forever. You can already hear it! In the inbetween segments with Jimmy Iodine and William her speaking voice sounded so hoarse and scratchy. She did not sound like that a couple weeks ago I don't think! She's pushing it way too hard with all the scratch and growl, because it's been working for her and it sounds fun, but there is no way that she can keep this up while she's being carted around in the broken-down jalopy bus all summer on the dust-wheezing fart kaleidoscope that is the "Idols Live!" tour. (I have been to one of those concerts, for reasons I'd rather not discuss, and it is the saddest concert I've ever been to, and I've been to a Hanson concert. (Again, for reasons I'd rather not discuss.) But yeah, it's unbelievably sad and pathetic. You should go! See it for yourself!) She's going to be ruined by the end of this season, let alone the tour! Haley, seriously sit down with someone and figure out how to sing properly or else you're going to lose your voice very soon and then where will we be? Oh, and her singing this week. Uh, she sang "Call Me" by Blondie, which featured in American Gigolo, and it was fine. It sounded fine. I mean, it sounded painful for Haley's poor vocal chords, but in terms of the show, it sounded fine. Haley stop it though! Really do.
The third person I guess we should talk about is the fool what done sang "End of the Road," Stefano Long-one. Yeah, he sang this romantic ballad and looked all beefy in his strange collared-shirt-under-a-Henley look (didn't everyone seem to have gained weight from last week? what are they feeding these kids?) but man if he didn't pull it off. It was a little shaky and creaky at parts, but for the most part he really threw himself into the damn thing and the judges were very proud of him. Ryan, for his part, practically ripped his pants with his joy boner, and was soooo touchy with Stefano after he sang. He was all rubbing his back and lingeringly shaking his hand. Before Stefano sang they did a stool interview (they did not interview poop together, they were sitting on stools talking to each other) and their legs were turned in towards each other, which my friend Cher Horowitz taught me is an unequivocal sex invite. Yeah. I guess things are going well at home. I guess Ryan's gotten used to the rhythms of a new warm body in the house, I guess Tim's settled into it too. I didn't notice any makeup covering any bruises or mysterious scratches on Ryan's hands, so I guess Tim hasn't had another one of his "episodes." (A kind word for hurling an empty Skyy bottle at Ryan and running outside to smoke cigarettes in the rain.) I'm glad to see that. Glad things are working out for that strange little sexual triangle. Here's hoping Stefano doesn't, y'know, come to the end of the road tonight. Whatever. Steven Tyler said the same thing. It's the only thing you can say. "Hope your road's not the ending." No, Randy, you said it wrong. God.
Honestly everyone else. Everyone else! You want specifics? I'll give you specifics. Jacob Lusk. Good god I am so sick of this fool. I looovvvveeedddd it when Jimmy Iodine was like "Don't do cheesy. We don't want cheesy." Thankssss buddy. Totally right. Jacob really took that note to heart. He really did. Yup, he walked out there and big-butted his way through a wailing angel blast of "Bridge Over Troubled Water." Oops! It was cheesy! Sorry Jimmy Iodine! Jacob. Get over yourself. Have you noticed that he really seems to be into himself these days? I think this silly motherfucker thinks he can win this jam. He cannot win this jam. Jacob, you are not going to win this jam, so can it with the attitude. Just make like Uncle Joey and
weep while furtively masturbating in your sad cave under the stairs
cut it out. Just cut it out forever. Or at least sing a tune that's, I dunno, not going to play at a memorial for a high school basketball team that was killed in a bus accident. Y'know? Do you feel me? Please feel me. Ew.
Lauren Alaina sang Miley Cyrus's "The Climb" from People v. Billy Ray Cyrus Evidence Tape No. 1 and- Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Girl, please stop being so boring. Please stop. Poor J. Lo was all "Please vote for the girlsssss!!!" last night because there are only two left, but why would anyone vote for Lauren Alaina after she sang that horky tune last night? She has given us no incentive to vote for her this entire competition. Yeah I guess she has a good voice, but I'm done with that now. We need more from her and we just aren't getting it. She's so dull. The best thing about Lauren Alaina's performance last night was when Jimmy Iodine was like "Clearly you're a far stronger singer than Miley Cyrus." Lauren was all embarrassed and whatnot, but even she, even country pumpkin her, couldn't with a straight face say "No, that's not true..." Not even she could say it. The dying cat that lives inside Miley Cyrus's throat cannot compare to the globs of vanilla pudding that Lauren Alaina shoots out of her mouth every week. It just can't.
Oh god Willy Whispers. Oh man. I mean, it wasn't even a Thing this week. It wasn't that weird or scary or anything. It was just stupid. He was wearing a black version of his rose tuxedo or whatever we're calling that thing and he sang "Tom Cruise's Underpants" from that movie Come Back to the Five and Dime, Rebecca De Mornay, Rebecca De Mornay. And it was just such lame karaoke. First off, ya burnt, sound engineer, because the background singers' levels were way too high. But also, Willy was just not very vocally powerful. He was just withering along with his crazy smiles, doing his patented Noodlebone Dance™ and there was nothing new or exciting or even remotely professional about it. It was a total wedding reception song sung by a friend of the groom's cousin. Perfectly adequate, fine for drunk people who don't get out all that much to dance to, but not something you'd go to the big concert arena to see, for money. No amount of weird jamming with a lady saxophonist (haha, what the heck was that?) will ever change that. Of course the judges blew their glitter loads all over Willy's face, because they're in the tank for Whispers for some reason, but they were wrong. They were just wrong! It was not good. It was not good.
You're Killin' Me, Boys
Jimbo Durbin did a foolish heavy metal song even though Jimmy Iodine and William (why is that fool still on this show? Shouldn't he be making terrible space-pop somewhere with his siblings or whoever those people are?) and it was just so dumb. It was dumb in how literal it was. If Jimbo had "metal influences" and applied that to this, a pop show, and did interesting things, the way [can't believe I'm saying this] Adam Lambert did, that would be one thing. But instead Jimbo, lacking any genuine creativity, just goes out and ham-slams it around in full-out metal style. Just a straight up metal performance. On American Idol. In 2011. It just defies logic. What is he thinking? Does he think that he's singlehandedly going to revive heavy metal, because he chunked around to it, amateurishly, on American Meatshow? Someone needs to sit him down and make him watch DVDs of the past seasons of this show. Only then will he maybe understand that this show doesn't actually inform musical tastes in any way shape or form. (Look, I know I'm being sour and mean to James, and I'm sorry James if you're reading this, I don't mean to squash your weird dreams. Weird dreams are good! Have 'em! But don't, in the pursuit of said weird dreams, act like an arrogant, established Artist because you've been on a reality show for a couple months. That's not the best way to go about pursuing weird dreams. Anyway. I say this out of love.) (No I don't.)
Haha, last but not least, we have Scotty McReary. Scotty was supposed to sing "Everybody's Talkin'," but he backed out at the last moment to do some dopeshit country song by George Strait from a movie starring George Strait. Hahahah. Does Scotty watch that on a loop, forever? Probably yes. Also, why didn't he do "Everybody's Talkin'," which would have been so much more interesting? Well, my theory is that it was because it's from Midnight Cowboy, and Scotty didn't want his voter base to be forced to picture him getting a blowjob from Bob Balaban. If Scotty wants to get a blowjob from Bob Balaban in the privacy of his own home, that's fine. But to imply that on stage in front of an audience of millions? No, Scotty's not prepared to do that. So he sang his stupid "I'm George Strait" song from I'm George Strait: The George Strait Story, Starring George Strait and it was just boring. He still holds the microphone like he's holding, well, a specific part of Bob Balaban, and that's unpleasant. But! Kid's still gonna win. Haha yup. I think he's still gonna win. Is he unstoppable at this point? I think he might be! I think he might have pulled so far ahead of everyone else that no one else can catch up.
Only time will tell, though! In the meantime we're just here with our ticks and tocks, our spinning circles around the sun. One more down tonight, who will it be? Ryan and Stefano have a plan if he's eliminated tonight, and it involves flying to Ibiza for the weekend. It involves sun and sand and the sweet sour cold of sangria. It's a good plan, they think. A nice, romantic plan. Like something out of the movies.