Your Beautiful Crib Is Going to Kill Your Baby

Parents: have you purchased your baby a top-of-the-line crib and lovingly accentuated it with "Puffy bumpers, pillows and blankets, low-hanging mobiles and a menagerie of stuffed animals?" You have, haven't you? Because you care about little Aedynn, don't you? Yeah, about death.

Puffy bumpers, pillows and blankets, low-hanging mobiles and a menagerie of stuffed animals all pose suffocation hazards to babies less than 12 months old, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC).

"Not puffy bumpers, pillows and blankets, low-hanging mobiles and a menagerie of stuffed animals!" you exclaim. Yes, puffy bumpers, pillows and blankets, low-hanging mobiles and a menagerie of stuffed animals. Your bizarre transference of conspicuous consumption onto your barely-born child will result in the suffocation of your baby.

New federal standards for cribs are coming in June. Will your baby make it until then? Well if they don't, we know whose fault it will be. I damn sure didn't see Aedynn out at the Babies "R" Us buying all those puffy bumpers, pillows and blankets, low-hanging mobiles and a menagerie of stuffed animals.

[WSJ; photo via Flickr]