Star to Katie Holmes: Sorry for Calling You a Drug-Addicted ZombieS

Katie Holmes' $50 million libel lawsuit against Star magazine has ended. In today's issue, Star apologized for a January story about how Tom Cruise and Scientology control Katie. Star says it "did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction." And Star's parent company, American Media, has made an "substantial donation" to an undisclosed charity in Katie's name.

As it turns out, Star's story wasn't actually about Katie doing drugs—it was about how Scientology is like a drug. The cover, however, teased a "Drug Shocker" about Katie's "Addiction Nightmare." The offending article isn't on Star's website, but we can piece it together from contemporaneous transcripts on Jezebel and Celebitchy:

With glazed eyes and a vacant expression on her face, Katie Holmes tightly gripped the steering wheel... It was time for another dose of treatment.

Four years into Katie Holmes' marriage to Tom Cruise, 48, her involvement with the controversial Church of Scientology still raises eyebrows. Now, in a world exclusive, several former Scientologists and experts have stepped forward to make a shocking claim to Star: Katie's battery of Scientology treatments have an affect similar to heroin.

Although the FDA has taken the position that the "e-meter" device used in Scientology's "auditing" or counseling sessions, serves no medical purpose, former Scientologists tell Star that it gives subjects a temporary feeling of euphoria, followed by a crash and a craving for more.

As subjects being audited hold metal cans connected to the device, "The e-meter emits a low-level electric charge that goes to the brain," explains former Scientologist… Arnaldo Lerma. "In response to that stressful stimulation, the body releases endorphins, hormones that cause a pain-killing, mood-elevating effect."

David Touretzky, a research at Carnegie Mellon University's Center for the Neural Basis of Cognition, says that auditing may also spark an endorphin release in another way. "One hypothesis is that there is an endorphin bump caused by the focused attention of the auditor," Touretzky tells Star. "It's socially rewarding."

Either way, for Katie and thousands of other Scientologists, those endorphins can be a natural drug, Dr. Gregory A. Smith, a California addiction expert… tells Star

"Endorphins are natural painkillers in the brain that block pain receptors from within the body exactly the same way drugs like morphine kill pain from an external source," Dr. Smith explains.

"So when you stimulate endorphin activity within the brain, you are doing the exact same thing as taking morphine or other opiates, such as heroin on opium. That feeling of a natural high can become addictive."

Katie issued a statement today: "I'm pleased that this lawsuit could be resolved amicably and accept American Media's apology." Then she tightened the rubberband around her arm and stabbed herself with a syringe loaded with a tincture extracted from L. Ron Hubbard's corpse. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and Tom Cruise whispered in her ear, "You have done well, my pretty. American Media's money lines the Church of Scientology's coffer. How could Star mess up the details about how every audit session begins with the ceremonial snorting of the dust of Xenu? Fucking amateurs."

Just kidding! A seminal day for tabloid-beleaguered celebrities, no more bait-and-switch headlines, etc. [TMZ, Jezebel, Celebitchy]