With the royal wedding just hours away and the resultant media coverage as frenzied as a pack of screeching women at a bachelorette party, we're all thinking a lot about weddings at the moment. I decided that I hate weddings, and here are some of the reasons why.
Weddings are the most weirdly retro ritual our society still has. Women are made to wear veils and pose in a white dress like they're still virgins and their fathers are giving them away. The whole thing is segregated by gender and by the bride and groom's families as if this is some sort of joining of tribes and not a sweltering afternoon in a church tucked away in a suburb somewhere. And then there's the reception and all the forced merriment and togetherness. Even the most fun weddings are rife with potential perils, and here are just some of the things I find the most horrible and awkward.
Of all the selfish Bridezilla moves, this may be the worst. I'm not talking about an out of town shindig in the couple's hometown or the place where they live now. No, I'm talking about when the couple is all like, "We're getting married in the Bahamas!" So basically, you're forcing me to go on vacation with you and you get to choose the place and then you get to be the center of attention the whole time we're there? And I get to pay for it, and take the extra time off work, and more likely that not get a sunburn. Oh, hell no! The only way a couple should be able to do this is if they announce their intentions and then get a consensus from all their guests about where the wedding should actually be, cause there is no way I would ever step foot at Sandals in Jamaica even if that's where you met and that's where you want to tie the knot.
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace"
This is the part in the wedding ceremony where some soap opera character or rom-com leading man bursts through the doors of the chapel to confess his love and take the bride away, saving her from a doomed marriage and escorting her into a life of living happily ever after. But in real life we always hear it and then no one does anything. Every time it's a disappointment, especially when your best girlfriend is marrying a guy who you know is going to turn out to be a drug addict and deadbeat dad in three years or less. If no one is actually going to speak, they should stop getting our hopes up.
The Reception Dinner
It doesn't matter whether you get the chicken or the shrimp, there's a pretty good chance that it's going to taste like something they served on Continental Airlines circa 1994. It will be rubbery, nasty, and completely unsatisfying. We're sure it's hard to cook that much food for that many people, but why is it always so gross? We'd rather have heavy hors d'oeuvres than sit down and have to knife our way through a warmed-over Chicken Kiev any day.
The Wedding Cake
While they look gorgeous, wedding cake tastes gross. And it's supposed to be dessert, but you only get a tiny sliver and it's not filling and you just had to suffer through that nasty airplane food dinner and now you don't even get something yummy and sweet! It's like going on a date with a gorgeous woman only to find out that she's a really lousy kisser—and she won't put out.
I'm sorry, but if you're dragging me away from my life for a day, an evening, or especially a whole weekend, you better ply me with alcohol—and it better be free. Having a cash bar says two things: that you are cheap and you do not care about having fun at your wedding. What are a bunch of sober people going to do at the reception room at the Clarion Inn? Suffer, that's what! I don't care if your father is Bill W., the vodka sodas need to flow freely if we're going to make this situation work.
The Garter Belt Ceremony
There is nothing more barbaric than throwing the bouquet to figure out who will be the next girl to get married. Even worse is when the groom throws the garter belt and a man catches it. Then the man has to put the garter belt on the girl with the bouquet. Gross. This is always awkward, because what if the girl is the bride's 13-year-old cousin and the man is 40-year-old skeezy Uncle Carl who just got divorced for sleeping with his secretary? Or what if they're related? There's a good chance of that since there is so much family at a wedding. No matter who wins in this awful game, everyone loses.
Hitting a wine glass with a fork to get the newlyweds to kiss is just dumb. PDA in some instances may be acceptable, but it should never be actively encouraged. This custom is just about trying to get the bride and groom that much closer to consummating their marriage and the forced necking is giving everyone in attendance a hand in it. Do you want to go up to their suite on the wedding night too and give them pointers and spread rose petals? No! Just stay out of it. Go kiss your own damn wife!
No wedding trope has been comedically exploited more than the bridesmaid dress, and with good reason. They never look good. Never ever ever. No, the ones at your wedding were not pretty. No, they weren't. Just face it. They were ugly. For whatever reason, people still keep trying to make them look good. Why not just give up and embrace their hideous campiness and get some Scarlett O'Hara bullshit up there. At least that shows you're in on the joke.
The only thing worse that watching a bunch of old white people dance at a wedding is watching a bunch of old white people do the Chicken Dance or the Macarena, which will inevitably happen if you happen to be at a wedding full of old white people. We give a small dispensation for the Electric Slide—if done right and at the end of the night when everyone is really toasted. Actually, I'd like to condemn any choreographed dancing, and that includes a dance number down the aisle or an overly-rehearsed first dance. This day isn't about getting all the steps right, Martha Graham, it's about sharing your love with each other, which is done best when it's not trying to keep the rhythm.
The most precarious situation at any wedding celebration is the part when family members and/or the maid of honor and the best man get up at the reception and say a little something to the crowd. Yes, sometimes they can be very rousing and emotional, but when they are bad, boy, are they bad. You have people who aren't used to speaking publicly coupled with alcohol, nerves, and more than a bit of excitement. And that is just a recipe for disaster. Tell your dad to sit down, because blubbering about losing his little girl is making everyone cringe.