Top of the morning to you! Or whatever English people say. Gawker's official monarchy correspondent Richard Lawson is here, before the crack of dawn, bringing you live coverage of Prince William and Kate Middleton's lavish wedding. Come celebrate with us!
8:35 - OK, folks. Three hours later, I think that's all she kissed. I mean wrote! Wrote. Sorry, kissing on the brain. Thanks for watching with me. Let's all now go hug ourselves and cry, because we are, none of us, happily married fabulously wealthy royalty. Oh well.
8:33 - I won't be satisfied until there's a full-on orgy on that balcony. The Queen looks like she has eyes for Kate's dad. And we all know Harry's game for whatever.
8:31 - YAY THEY KISSED AGAINNNNN. #sadweirdonumberone
8:28 - Piers Morgan has a total boner for the kiss, Cat Deeley is not feeling it.
8:27 - We are all sad weirdos, aren't we? KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS.
8:26 - LAME KISS.
8:25 - AIEEE HERE THEY ARE FOR KISSING!!!
8:22 - Let's all remember this happy day when Kate is beheaded at the Tower of London in a few years.
8:16 - People can't stop talking about the dress. What's to talk about? It was pretty boring?
8:10 - I can't decide if it would be really fun or really overwhelming to be getting shitfaced in London right now.
8:02 - Anderson Cooper says 25 minutes til The Kiss. Which means 30 minutes til The Delivered Diner Bacon, if you're me.
7:58 - Is it a sad thing or a fun thing for London that that damn Ferris wheel is visible from basically everywhere?
7:56 - Royal Wedding commercials: the Thor movie and Chevy pickup trucks. Nice demographic targeting, CNN!
7:50 - Apparently one guy fell off his horse? This is the important footage we need to see, CNN.
7:49 - And now the parade of commoners. Cheer for your queen, peasants! Cheer!
7:43 - So when does Glenn Beck speak?
7:42 - Lady with the mesh cowboy hat that says "Wales" on it is really making all Welshmen proud this morning.
7:36 - They've declared Posh Spice "a triumph" for fashion this morning. And they've scolded Becks for not wearing his medals properly. Poor Becks.
7:34 - Not going to lie, I really wish I was in London right now. What? No, not for the wedding. I just really want fish and chips. PLUS HARRYYYYYYY.
7:30 - Piers Morgan is speculating girlishly about Pippa and Harry getting together. Piers, I really think you should move back to England. You clearly miss it.
7:29 - Anderson Cooper really wants to see these two kids kiss. I mean, I'm with him, but I'm not saying it on TV.
7:28 - Has Camilla ever looked happy to be anywhere?
7:27 - The little blond sprite in the military outfit is fun.
7:26 - They're having a buffet at the reception? Oh, guys. Oh guys no.
7:25 - Piers Morgan is really reconnecting with his Englishness this morning. Big day for him.
7:24 - They aren't praising America enough in this whole thing.
7:23 - The guy riding right in front of Wills and Kate is sporting a delightful wig.
7:22 - Haha, Harry got stuck in a wagon with a bunch of kids. They don't trust him with a girl.
7:21 - What happens if the horses poop during this procession?
7:20 - Piers Morgan just called Kate Middleton the new Diana. Let's not go nuts here.
7:17 - I really like William saluting. With the gloves and the hat and whatnot, it's a hit.
7:14 - Harry and Pippa are now, at this very moment, doing it in an Abbey restroom.
7:13 - I wonder how they decide the frequency of waving. Every 10 seconds? Whatever feels right? These are important royal things we never have to think about.
7:12 - "After the hymnal hour, we boarded a chariot and paraded through the streets, everyone cheering and throwing flags at us." "Cool wedding."
7:11 - Wills and Kate have boarded the ceremonial fuck wagon for the traditional cross-town sex show.
7:10 - "Tell me about your wedding." "Well, it involved lots of costumes..."
7:09 - I can't tell if little Prince Wills being married makes me feel old or depressed about being single. I think it's both. Happy day for me, guys!
7:08 - Here they are world!!!!!!! Eat your pauper hearts out!!!
7:07 - "Let's now hold hands in a way we've never before and never will again hold hands."
7:05 - They're now walking down the aisle of the Abbey. Of course everyone is clapping and cheering. Oh, wait, no, they're all standing still and frowning. For England!
7:05 - Sorry, I just pulled a Queen E. and dozed the fuck off. What happened? Is Harry naked yet?
6:58 - Everyone's off in a secret room right now, signing a mysterious document. The Holy Prenup?
6:56 - Stop looking so excited, everyone!
6:55 - Are these choir children owned by the monarchy?
6:54 - Harry has a bald spot too??? :( :(
6:53 - The choice to have the bridesmaids wear white is peculiar, no?
6:52 - The Queen's reaction: "God save me? No, I'm not singing this shit."
6:51 - One of the choir men is Kurt from Glee in 20 years. He's got the swooped back pompadour and everything.
6:50 - Nothing says dignified national affair quite like a big floppy Union Jack hat. Well done, crowd members.
6:49 - WHOA serious trumpet player. Big gig for him today. Big gig.
6:48 - Oh they're playing "Jerusalem" now. You should go see that play on Broadway. Mark Rylance, guys!
6:46 - Hahahahahha. CNN just showed a shot of Times Square. A few people milling about, no one paying attention to the wedding on the big screen. Good for you, New York.
6:45 - Go to work, everyone!
6:44 - Is everyone in England balding?
6:43 - This hymn played over scenes of British people standing in the wind looks like a sad coda to 28 Days Later.
6:40 - This song is going to be England's number one summertime jam!!
6:39 - Do Will and Kate know that they get to have sex after this? Someone should tell them!
6:37 - This priest's dress is more daring than Kate's.
6:36 - Ah yes, Chaucer! Pithy bastard!
6:35 - This priest is talking about nuclear war maybe? And the Queen is deeply asleep.
6:33 - I know that it's a big national thing and that everyone has to take it really seriously and everything, but could William and Kate maybe try to not look they're being sentenced to six weeks detention?
6:32 - Sean Connery's gay brother will now deliver a homily.
6:30 - When's Amy Winehouse going to crash through the wall to liven this bitch up?
6:28 - English weddings: Slightly less cheery than Italian funerals.
6:27 - OMG one of the choir men is Chandler Bing.
6:25 - I like how dramatic he's being with this reading! This is his big Law & Order: UK audition.
6:25 - How much blow did this James character do with Harry last night?
6:24 - Kate Middleton's brother James is very cute maybe? A sort of dumber looking Guy Pearce?
6:23 - English weddings: Emotionless robots in zany hats.
6:22 - The British are such a passionate peoples.
6:21 - Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Bow down, Harvard nerds, you have new gods now.
6:21 - "Cue organ." No, no, William. Musical organ. It's not time for that yet.
6:20 - THEY ARE MARRRRRRIED, GUYZ. Commence the fucking!
6:19 - I dunno, I feel like "comb eyebrows" would be on my checklist of pre-marry the prince of England to his wife things to do.
6:19 - The priest definitely wins for Best Eyebrows. Put a leash on those things, padre!
6:18 - How strong do we think Harry's whiskey-stink is right now?
6:18 - Weddings are sort of embarrassing in a weird way?
6:17 - Though he is balder, Kate looks older than William. Like he just married the hot teacher?
6:16 - KATE WILLLLLLL.
6:15 - PRINCE WILLIAM WILLLLLL.
6:14 - They both look miserable? Why do they look so miserable? Girl, you so rich right now! Cheer up!
6:13 - Dearly beloved...
6:12 - Did Camilla poop herself? Her expression looks distinctly (distinKtly?) like "I pooped myself."
6:12 - The little boys in their military get-ups are adorable in a "painfully British" sort of way.
6:10 - Elton John does not know the words to this song. It's not a Bernie Taupin joint, I guess.
6:09 - She's at the altar!! It looks like she's going to marry both Harry and William right now. Is that how British weddings work? Kinky. Stay away from my man, Kate!!! :(
6:08 - WHOA, BALD SPOT.
6:07 - Kate Middleton's dad looks very nervous. What's he got to be nervous about?? Oh, right.
6:06 - Will you guys liveblog my wedding to Prince Harry next year? I hope so!
6:05 - Oh God almighty, Harry in his military uniform looks like Carl-Magnus in A Little Night Music. Which is a good thing!
6:03 - Is the Queen present for the royal honeymoon as well?
6:02 - It would be so weird to get married while a bunch of half-asleep Americans watched, wouldn't it? I guess that's every wedding in America, though.
6:00 - The dress is very conservative, don't you think?
5:59 - THERE SHE ISSSSSSSS.
5:55 - I will say this: When it comes to ultimately meaningless pomp and circumstance, the Brits totally have us beat. Chelsea Clinton's wedding was just an exclusive pool party upstate that only cool people were invited to. This is a national holiday!
5:52 - Poor Posh and Becks look very nervous. It's as if they were going to be beheaded! Wait, is that part of the ceremony? Are they going to be beheaded?
5:49 - David Beckham is proudly marching into the Abbey wearing a special medal he won, so that's nice for him. Victoria doesn't have a medal, but she does have the hat that the wicked queen in Snow White would wear to her husband's funeral, so that's something.
5:45 - A CNN correspondent just interviewed a little boy named Rory who is very excited about seeing the wedding dress. You were born this way, Rory!
5:44 - CNN weirdo Richard Quest is teaching us about the royal guard and whatnot. Richard Quest is the guy that keeps you dimly entertained when you're traveling in Europe and international CNN is the only English-language channel on the TV. Richard Quest has kept me company on many an Italian night. Romantic.
5:43 - Wait, some of these hats say My Big Fat Gypsy wedding more than they do "Royal Wedding." Are you watching that show? You should watch that show.
5:42 - Anderson Cooper is giddy as a schoolgirl about all this! His lesson in British history is fun to watch, in a vaguely sexy History Boys sort of way.
5:38 - Harry's girlfriend, Chelsy Davy, has arrived! She is wearing green. Just last night, Harry arrived and Chelsy was, briefly, wearing Harry.
5:35AM - Look at everyone's hats! It's like the Kentucky Derby. That said, look at all the horses! #britishfacesjokes
5:30AM - Good morning wedding weirdos! We're all here. I'm watching Piers Morgan, Cat Deeley, and Anderson Cooper goo all over each other on CNN if that's what you're into.