What's Opening in Theaters This Weekend

We have to slog through one more weekend of April showers before enjoying the May flowers, so you might as well go see a movie! Coming to theaters this week are thirteen assassins, two car-driving badasses, and a bunch of squiggly prom-goers.

13 Assassins

A martial arts movie about swords and honor, 13 Assassins tells the tale of a cruel Japanese lord and the, uh, thirteen assassins dispatched to take him down. Amidst all the dynastic chaos, people really lose their heads. Ha, decapitation jokes. (Limited release)

Bride Flight

This awkwardly titled 2008 Dutch film tells the tale of three women who, in the immediate years after World War II, emigrate from their native Holland to New Zealand, where their intended husbands are waiting for them. Only on the flight there they meet a handsome stranger and he comes to affect their lives in various ways in the ensuing decades. This is a big sweepy weepy that's only partly in a foreign language, so maybe you can actually convince someone to see it with you! (Limited)

Cave of Forgotten Dreams

Want to follow Werner Herzog into a cave? Sure, what could go wrong! In this documentary, the wacky voiced filmmaker takes us on a 3D journey into the Chauvet caves in southern France, a recently discovered system full of exquisitely preserved cave drawings (as well as, y'know, natural beauty). Herzog does his usual waxing poetic while the rest of us nervously wait for the bears to come and eat everyone. (Limited)

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

Good grief. Have ads for this movie been playing before every YouTube video you've watched in the last couple weeks too? This is a low budget horror/action movie based on an Italian comic book series about a paranormal investigator type. He cracks wise ("No plan, just bigger guns") and kills ghouls. They've moved the action from London to Louisiana for the movie, maybe because of True Blood? Look how far Superman has taken Brandon Routh! (Wide)

Earthwork

Oscar nominee John Hawkes stars in this spare two-year-old film about landscaping artist Stan Herd creating one of his large-scale "earthworks" in an empty lot in Manhattan. So buy your tickets now, because this thing is gonna sell out pretty fast, guys. (NY only, LA 5/20)

Exporting Raymond

This documentary follows Everybody Loves Raymond co-creator Phil Rosenthal as he travels to Russia to create a version of his hit show for Russian audiences. Things go awry, comically! But gently, always gently. As is the Raymond way. (Limited)

Fast Five

Actors Vin Diesel and Paul Walker return to the cinema, after tackling Waiting for Godot in a sold-out twice-extended run at the Donmar, for this sober, somber look at street crime in the troubled pockets of urban Brazil. Though the subject matter is certainly pretty grim, Walker and Diesel will likely infuse some of their erudite wit into the proceedings. Acclaimed performance artist and MacArthur fellow Jordana Brewster costars. (Wide)

Hoodwinked Too: Hood vs. Evil

Hayden Panettiere replaces Anne Hathway in this (cheaply) animated sequel. Somehow they got Glenn Close to agree to come back for the second one. What, Hathaway, do you think you're better than Glenn Close? Because you are not better than Glenn Close. Few are better than Glenn Close. The rare Jordana Brewsters of the world might be better than Glenn Close, but you, Mia Thermopolis, are not. (Wide)

Prom

Do you really need me to tell you what this movie is about? It's right there in the title. It's about priggity-priggity-prom y'alllllll. There's a nice girl and a nerdy boy and a bad boy and in the end there's dancing! What more could you want from a movie?? It would be fun if there was a gay plot line, but Disney don't do that. Oh well. It's still fun! See you at the movie theater, fellow failed adults! (Wide)

The Robber

This true-life Austrian movie tells the story of a marathon runner who becomes a bank robber to support himself. Oooh, does he have a torrid love affair with Rosie Ruiz at some point?? That would be great. Crazy marathoners. (NY)

Sympathy for Delicious

In his directorial debut, Mark Ruffalo tells the story of a paraplegic man (Christopher Thornton, an old acting buddy of Ruffalo's who was paralyzed in a climbing accident) who has mysterious healing powers. The only problem is they don't, of course, work on himself. Orlando Bloom, John Carroll Lynch, Laura Linney, and the underused of late Juliette Lewis all pop up in smaller roles. Nice to have fancy friends! (Limited)

That's What I Am

Ed Harris features in this feel-good coming of story about an 8th grade boy befriending a kid with big ears. That's about it. There are lots of scenes with kids saying things with grownup wisdom and then there's swelling music. Also there are make-out jokes. Something for everyone, really. (Limited)