Many of you got up very early this morning to watch the Royal Wedding, but there were two young men, Dustin and Jayden, who were still up from a wild Thursday night on the town. Here is what Manhattan's most obnoxious homosexuals had to say about the proceedings.
"Look, there is finally a bigger queen than you."
"Oh shut up lady. You know there is no bigger queen than me!"
"Truf. But right now, you're not even a pretty pretty princess. Not next to Ms. Middleton If You're Nasty."
"Really? You think she looked good? What is wrong with you?"
"Girl, she looked fierce. The dress was divine, and not the fat drag queen."
"What? That shit was simple. It looks like every stupid wrap dress she wears all the time."
"And have you ever seen her look bad?"
"Well, thanks for proving my point, biatch. That dress was flawless. The lace, the train, the veil. The Ti-Ar-Ra! You better werq, queen."
"Future queen" (SNAPS!)
"Did you see the second dress."
"Second dress? That sounds like something that shot Kennedy from the grassy knoll."
"No, it's what she wore after the ceremony and the balcony and shit."
"I don't know how she stood on that balcony and resisted the urge to give us some 'Don't Cry for Me Argentina.' I would have been all up in that. Anyway, Second Dress?"
"It was fierce. There is only one thing I have to say about that dress."
(Wags his finger back and forth and up and down).
"But what about William."
"Girl, William is just like your friend Scott."
"Which Scott? Hot Scott, Stupid Scott, or that guy Scott who you kicked out of your Fire Island house for doing poppers at the dinner table?"
"How is William like Hot Scott?"
"Cause she only looks how when she's wearing her damn hat!"
"Okrrrr! And then they make her stand next to Prince Harry."
"The things I would let that man do to me."
"Do you think Prince Harry has a Prince Albert?"
"She could have the clap, crabs, and a severe case of dropsy and I would still let him hit it bareback!"
"Girl, you are nasty. Speaking of people who I'd hit, did you see Posh and Becks."
"You'd hit them both?"
"Ew. Gross, no, only Becks."
"Really? He looked like a groomsman at a wedding in St. Elmo's fire."
"She could be on fire and she would still look better than you any day."
"Know who was on fire? Camilla Parker Bowles."
"Yes! That hat she wore was Errrrrything."
"Educate the children, Camilla."
"I mean the all hats were just..."
"Nope. They were so...Ongina!"
"Yes! They were all tiny little jaunty drag queen hats."
"You know every woman at that wedding could have gotten a job working at Lips."
"Right, but know what the whole thing was missing?"
(Loud sigh in unison)
"Fergie, how we missed you."
"Fergilicous-def. Fergilicious-def. Fergilicious..."
"def make the royals go loco."
"Oh, she sure do. They hate them some Fergie."
"No what I think? I think that Fergie went back in her time machine, kidnapped baby Fergie and then installed her as that annoyed flower girl so that she could ruin the wedding."
"Ha! Yes. Fergie better work."
"Girl, I think you need to go to sleep."
"Sleep, you gotta be crazy. I got an eight-ball and an internet connection. I'm going to be looking at this shit all night!"
[Illustration by David Gilmore]