Bin Laden Death Momentarily Distracts Americans from Own Poverty

The greatest benefit of the assassination of the world's most wanted terrorist: "a short-term psychological boost to financial markets." I mean, killing this dude is no "April non-farms payroll data," but we'll take what we can get.

Americans of all races and economic classes dropped the silver baubles that they'd been scavenging in their grandmother's attics with the intent to pawn them for rent money and flocked to the street to vomit in celebration of this historic event. Children took a day off school to stay at their homeless shelter and watch news on the communal television. Ecstatic revelers rushed to Ground Zero, explaining that they would have gotten there sooner, but the 14% increase in the price of everything in NYC over the past year forced them to walk from their studio in "SoBro," the most Manhattan-adjacent neighborhood they can afford.

So don't let the way society is systematically freezing you out—"Unneeded as workers, the unemployed also become superfluous as consumers and burdensome as citizens"—get you down. This is America. You don't need a job. All you need is one lucky Intrade bet on when Bin Laden will be caught, and you'll be set for life. So we ask you, America: Are you feeling lucky?

Good. Now go get your shinebox.

[Photo: Adrian Kinloch/ Flickr]