Gossip Girl: Princesses On Parade

Last night's episode of Uptown Abbey featured a party, like always, some intrigue, like always, and lotsss of really bad fake Monacan accents. Or French accents? It was unclear. But yes, let's talk about it!

OMG where to fucking begin. Blair. Blaironca. Blonks. She's getting married! Yes the episode started in the future and she was wearing a huge tacky hunk of canary diamond costume jewelry and she was calling her mom, who's currently on stage in Arcadia, and she said "Moms, I'm getting hitched, time to bust out my hope chest." Whaaaaat? Who was Blinkers marrying? Only a trip back in time would tell.

The clock rewound and we were in the Five Points neighborhood and the year was 1886. Then the clock realized it had gone too far and it wound back up to just a day before Blair called her mother. Blair was very excited about the prince, because she loves the prince and they are spending lots of sexy time together, giggling and cooing at each other about museums. Mmhm. Just a thing that young couples do. "I do so love the Frick!" "I'll frick you." "I prefer the Guggenheim Bilbao!" "I'll guggen your heim with my bilbao." Etc forever. It's just very sexy and fun. So basically Blair is in prince-time heaven, all squishes and smiles, and nothing can ruin it. Sadly for Blair, just such a nothing, a tall blonde nothing, is plotting against her. Yes, for the sole reason that the writers have never been able to make Serena's character remotely consistent or believable, Serena is doing nefarious things to tear princey and Blair asunder. Namely, she called the prince's mom to tell her that her precious little dog of a son was museeing all over some American girl's dorsay.

Naturally this terrified mama and she hopped the last Concorde and zoomed across the Atlantic to go clean this shit up. She was going to clean this merde up and clean it up good. French bitch, coming through. Watch out world. Blair, of course, was oblivious. Oblivious until she suddenly heard "Hymne Monégasque" blaring and the prince's Monacan mama kicked the door down and said "Where is sheeee??" Uh oh. Not good. Blair ran and hid but it was too late. The old crone grabbed her by the hair and pulled her up and spat in her face. She then turned to the prince, cowering and pissing in a corner, and said "OK, buster brown, enough fucking your painted whores [thanks, Game of Thrones]. It's time you got married." Nooooo! But, unfortunately, yes. The prince would be forced to marry. And who would his wife be? Well, his mother decided to have a party, in New York for some stupid reason, with ten eligible princesses. And Blair would not be one of those princesses. Well, not at first. She finally wore the queen (or whatever her title was) down and she was allowed to go. Fancy French fuck Louis bought her a sparkly bird dress to wear for the occasion and everyone swooned. "I love it when straight men buy me dresses!" - women unwittingly married to gay men everywhere.

So. Everything's perfect, right? Or about to be perfect? Wrong. There is, of course, the surly matter of Chuck. Chuck is upset because he loves Blair and because Tika Sumpter is looking into her mom's past and will of course find out that she was burnt down by Chuck's dad. Chuck is also upset because apparently his house is sinking. Yup, just sinking like the Titantitic. Ha. Poor Andrew McCarthy directed this week's episode and he thought that a good way to show Chuck's descent into Lovecraftian madness was to just tilt the camera to the side. You know who employs that technique? Directors of really cheap vampire movies. Andrew, don't be a really cheap vampire movie. Straighten that camera, son. Just straighten it up. It was really sad. And silly!

But yeah, Chuck's in his slanting mansion of misery and getting drunker and drunker and not even Nate can cheer him up with one of his patented Nate Twink-Flop™ dances, so all is lost. Chuck had heard that the prince was moca-ing all over Blair's masses and he was determined to stop it. So he decided to get dressed up in a suit and get plastered and go on over to the big princess party. At the fete there were princesses from all over, from Thailand to Tipperary, but of course Louis only had eyes for the one from Tudor City. (Well, north of.) Chuck stumbled in, reeking of brown liquors, and sauntered up to Blair. He was all "You don't love the prince. You love me, Chuckles Bass." Then the prince's mom came over and was like "Sacre fuck, this kid's sauced! Gendarmes!" (Ha, actually she said "sécurité!" and it was funny because why not just say "security!" being that you're in America and everything and it sounds basically the same. Silly foreigner.) So yeah, Blair was so fucking embarrassed and ran away home to cry and sulk. But then the prince came over and proposed and yayyyyyyyyy!!! Everything was grand (grandes) and wonderful. So Blair decided to ruin it by going to talk to Chuck. Huhh? Why Blair, why? You stupid. And then Chuck got all scary and physically aggressive and he scratched her face and she yelped and Nate came running in dressed like a geisha with a string of beads hanging out of his butt and was like "What, I was just doing homework, what's wrong?" But Blair just ran off into the night, glad that she had a prince to marry and not this drunken poltroon.

So that was the prince story this week. Other stories! Dan and Cousin Charlie have been spending a lot of chaste time together, lots of feeling up over the underpants and rubbing up against couch arms together and stuff. No, I'm kidding. They're going to coffee shops and Dan took her to one of his classes, because again, that's what kids do when they're in love these days. "Want to come to my Talking About Museums seminar?" "I thought you'd never ask." Dan's dad, Ruf the Goof, warned him that maybe Chaz is into it for a little more than friends and Dan was like "Whaa? No, come on. I've only worn my most chest hair-revealing henleys around her.... Oh wait, those are ladybait! I gotta talk to her about this." So he did talk to her and she was like "What? Silly bean, no. We're just friends." Dan's boner died and that was that. Well, no, of course it wasn't. See, Vanessa was lurking nearby and overheard everything and for some insane reason decided to help Charlie out in getting closer to Dan. She said to help him with his family stuff, namely Ruf the Goof was having a big music dinner for work (whatever happened to the gallery? Did that get sold or something?) and he needed food, so Charlie was like "Oh, I'll offer to cook something simple, like pizzapie." Music dudes love pizzapie! So that's what she did, she went up to Rufus and Dan, who were busy playing their favorite father-son game Rub-a-Dub (don't ask), and said "Pizzapie?" Rufus and Dan nodded their heads and shook their non-Rub-a-Dubbing hands and said "Pizzapie." Pizzapie it was!

Until it wasn't. The big music meeting day arrived (it was at the Brooklyn loft, because that's what cool music people like) and when Rufus and Dan showed up, panting and sweaty, Charlie was there with this whole elaborate set up and the guys from Per Se were catering. (I do not think that is a thing, that the guys from Per Se would come over to your Brooklyn crashpad and just whip up a party meal for you.) What?? Per Se? Candles? What the lofty fuck is going on in this fucking loft? "I thought you were making pizzapie," Dan asked. This was way too fancy for rock 'n' roll people. They would hate this! Charlie said "Oh, I've screwed everything up!" and ran away crying and Rufus called the music people and was like "Can't do it man, sorry, something came up, gotta bail, man, gotta bust, rock talk, I'm doing rock talk, right? I'm still relevant. Love me." Which, OK, so maybe the catered Per Se meal wasn't ideal for a bunch of indie rockers, but like, who the fuck is going to turn down free Per Se food? I say you should have still had your rock meeting, Rufus. I guess it's too late now. Oh well. Just throw all that garbage food out. Disgusting.

Dan went after Charlie, following his boner like a divining rod, and it led him to van der Woodson castle. Charlie was crying and she said "I never should have listened to Vanessa. She was the one who told me to be fancy." Dan shook his head and said "Vanessa is a stupid cavewoman. And I love you. I pick you." Yeah, gross, Charlie and Dan are sort of getting together, and it's like... Dan, try not to fuck your ex-girlfriend's cousin maybe? Like maybe avoid doing that, you weirdo? You did, after all, just kiss her best friend. Tidy work there, friendo. Then Charlie went to see Vanessa and V was all "How'd it go?" and Charlie said "I told Dan you told me to make it fancy" and V said "I didn't tell you to do that!!" and Charlie smiled and narrowed her eyes and said "I know. But now Dan thinks you did and he's mine, alllll mine." She cackled and cackled and Vanessa pooped herself and this whole Charlie thing is not going to end well.

Neither will this recap. Sorry. It's done! À bientôt!